A Survivor's Message to the Church
#2 in the Salvaged Stories Series
I am taking this time away from the cottage to sort through the hundreds—probably thousands—of pages of processing I did during my ten years of healing. Not all need to be saved since I am not in those dark places any longer. But, mixed in with the processing are stories and writing worth salvaging.
This piece was written in 2019 as an addendum to a book project that I was considering after publishing Brave. What is remarkable is how consistent my thoughts have been across the years. So much of what later became Trauma in the Pews in embedded in this!
A Survivor's Message to the Church—(2019)
It was one of my first Sundays at the church I would be attending after arriving in the Seattle area. We kind of inherited the church, but it felt safe and believe me, that was no small matter. The pastor was preaching a series on the Kingdom of God parables. On this Sunday, it dawned on me that the Kingdom of God was much the same as the abundant life which had been my hope for a lifetime.
I was enjoying the quirky window visual when it struck me that across the top of the visual, he had drawn all the things I had tried as vain attempts to find abundant life. I lived by rules (ranging from healthy to legalism), tried both biblical and secular self-help, depended on God to meet my needs, and lived out my life devoted to being on a mission for God. I was doing everything right, but something was missing. Then he wrote the word with right underneath the other four and I realized it never felt like I was “with” God. Why not?
The word with was a divider in the visual. Eureka! The shame created by my abuse was what kept me from being “with” God. Shame says, “I am not worthy to be with God.” I discuss this in telling my story about not singing the song Jesus Loves Me. The shame from my abuse and the religious teachings of my childhood mixed in ways that should never have happened. It made faith complicated.
In my experiences with survivors, the faith journey is a much easier path for those whose abuse did not take place while under religious teachings. What is taught to children about “sin” fits much better for children who disobeyed their mothers. It is horribly damaging for those who were sexually abused and feel responsible for it. It is even worse for those whose abusers were the same ones who taught them about Jesus. The only sense a child can make of this is that there is something very wrong with them. There are no simple faith solutions for these survivors. In the tragic situation where the abuse is swept under the rug, the message is even worse.
My plea to the church is this: Be honest when things go very wrong and hold the right people accountable. Help every child—or adult—survivor who walks through the doors feel valued exactly as they are (not for what we might imagine they should be). Keep them safe by showing unconditional regard. Study the effects of ruptured attachment and trauma. Wonder “What happened to them” instead of, “What is wrong with them.” Refrain from labeling the effects of childhood trauma as “sin.” Lead survivors to trauma-informed therapists.
My Brave readers often ask for help in finding a therapist. They are often very concerned about finding a Christian therapist. Finding a Christian therapist trained in treating trauma can be very challenging. In my mind, a trauma-informed therapist is the very best source of understanding the ways God created us to survive (and thrive)—and what happens inside of our bodies when life goes very wrong. If the church is going to encourage people to seek Christian counselors, then we need to find ways to increase the number who are skilled in treating trauma.
Finally, because survivors wrestle with feelings of worthlessness, the messages unintentionally presented by those who represent the church are often re-traumatizing. Songs that reinforce the survivor’s sense of unworthiness only confirm what they believe already. Then, consider how the following “catchphrases” feel to a survivor of childhood abuse (possibly by a parent): God is in control, God chose your mother/father for you, God loves you, but hates your sin, God allows suffering to bring you closer to Him, God never gives you more than you can handle, etc. There is so much we would not say if we stopped to consider what it communicates to survivors of childhood sexual abuse!
It is important to note that Jesus always healed before calling the person into accountability. His ministry on earth provides a wonderful example of compassionate relationship and physical healing—which is what trauma requires. The church desperately needs to learn how to walk alongside survivors as they heal! Most Christians are woefully unprepared to speak hope into the lives of those who suffer from trauma-induced mental health issues. The response of silence is profoundly painful.
So many people are languishing without hope. When I talk with survivors, mentioning God results in a wide variety of responses—most often from the perspective of a judging God. But when I give hope for healing and share a view of God that helps survivors understand their abuse was neither their fault nor part of “God’s plan,” it changes everything.
The message that God only desires goodness in our lives and wept over us during our abuse, requires a different God than the one we often teach children. (“God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there isn’t anything God cannot do.”) That God failed survivors. The God who wept over me, prompted others to care about me, gave me strength, and is squeezing good out of pure evil—that is the God I needed as a child.
Without a message that respects the childhood pain of many adults in our churches, we inadvertently imprison them in a cage of shame. My story is evidence of how much pain it is possible to hide while faithfully serving. The suicides, addictions, and failed marriages are neither a spiritual problem nor a mystery to those who understand the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study or the effects of developmental trauma. We can’t help people if we incorrectly identify the issue.
***God is on the move to heal our nation. While the church was waiting for a revival, God was already on the move to bring hope to the hurting through the understanding and healing of trauma. My desire is that the church will join in the ways God is already moving in the world by joining with the hundreds of organizations that are bringing trauma-informed approaches to education, business, medicine, and government policies. ***
I can walk with God because the shame my child self held for a lifetime is gone! I feel the truth of this every single day. The life I lived above my pain is now lived without the pain. The strength God provided for me to survive is now used to write and help others heal. The life I fought to live is now an adventure that makes me happy to greet each new day. I never understood I was settling for less. I did the best I could, but God desired more.
***This paragraph is why the current climate in our nation is so overwhelming to me. I had such hope. I still believe that God is preparing many individuals, churches, community organizations, and non-profits to be the healing balm that those being harmed and traumatized need. I also understand how much more difficult our efforts have now become.
Thank you. “With God” is what I need to hear today and reflect upon.
Your voice makes such a difference! You have definitely made a difference in my life. Thank you—for all of this.