Abuse is Not an Affair

The Religious Trauma of Clergy Sexual Abuse of Adults

Content Warning: I do not always provide content warnings since I do not include graphic details in my writing and my readers are aware that I consistently address topics that involve sexual abuse—it is my story and the lane I drive in. In this case, I will offer a content warning since the article specifically addresses sexual abuse by ministry or lay leaders within religious contexts or other roles as spiritual leaders.

Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash

What Qualifies as Abuse?

The language we use matters when discussing the sexual abuse of adults within religious contexts and is complicated because the legal language and laws around sexual abuse or assault vary from state to state. In some jurisdictions, sexual abuse tends to describe ongoing harm, while assault usually refers to one specific act.

The term sexual abuse is more often used when referring to abuse of victims under the age of eighteen. Sexual assault is generally used for one-time incidents involving adult victims. This leaves those adults who experienced ongoing abuse without language to describe what occurred and that vacuum is often filled with the word “affair” or the term “inappropriate relationship.”

The sources I reviewed all differed in defining these two terms based on the state laws of their primary audience. Despite the confusion over language, a perception around age and consent is always included in the legal reasoning. This is also true in discussions that occur within religious contexts.

When the assumption is that anyone over eighteen is fully capable of consent, it is easy to assume— outside of a physical assault—that those over the age of eighteen are complicit. This results in abuse being incorrectly labeled as an affair. Abusers count on this perception to protect themselves.

Sadly, this perception is so embedded in religious contexts that it convinces victims that they were involved in a consensual affair. As one victim states: (Source)

“The very nature of these relationships is to confuse a victim into believing what is happening is consensual . . . “

“The mischaracterization of what occurred [as an inappropriate relationship] . . . is likely to make it more difficult for other victims to safely share their story and receive the care and healing they deserve.”

The language we use matters.

Note: This article is from my perspective as a woman. The abuse is not limited to women though that is most often the case.

What is the Impact of Abuse by Those in Positions of Spiritual Authority?

In my writing up to this point, I have often referred to myself as a teenager when discussing the abuse that began at the age of eighteen. I realized that this felt protective to that young girl. Why? Because I did not understand that giving in to the sexual advances of a ministry leader could never be considered consensual under the legal understanding of what it means in the case of someone in a position of authority.

Understanding that I was groomed until I turned eighteen was an important piece for my healing, but ultimately it was the power differential that defined what happened as abuse. The differential wasn’t only age or position of authority—it was spiritual.

It didn’t matter how old I was. As I have read and listened to other stories involving sexual abuse by ministry leaders, I have become increasingly aware that no matter the age, it is the most egregious form of sexual abuse. I did not write the following, but I could have—the entire section in the article is worth reading.

Clergy sexual abuse creates overwhelming stress in victims, and because of the risk and anxiety involved, that stress often becomes traumatic (Carnes, 1997). Victims often develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of the relationship itself. The PTSD may be exacerbated when the relationship ends, whether that ending comes with public disclosure or not. One client found it helpful to call what had happened to her “soul rape.” Although her religious leader had not violently raped her, his emotional abuse—making her increasingly vulnerable to his advances and at the same time increasing her trust in him and identifying them as “partners in ministry”—felt like the rape of her very soul. For her, the physical relationship, as emotionally damaging as it was, created less difficulty than the spiritual violation. (Source)

Boz Tchividjian, an advocate and attorney, who has been advocating for survivors for decades, states that “He gets more calls from survivors of adult clergy sexual abuse than any other type of victim. In most cases, they’ve never told anyone. They are often not even sure whether or not they are victims of abuse and are consumed with shame and guilt.” (Source) He also states, “This is something that is very different from child sexual abuse.” Yes, it is very different, and is often, as in my story, layered on top of the childhood abuse that causes them to be vulnerable.

Why is the Word “Affair” a Form of Victim Blaming?

There is no such thing as an “affair” when it involves a ministry leader. This holds true of the term “inappropriate relationship” also. This language blames the victim for consenting in a situation where the power dynamic makes consent impossible—especially when led to believe they are consenting.

Why is it not an affair? An affair implies two things that are not present in clergy/congregant relationships. One is that there is consent by the congregant. Consent suggests complete freedom to choose or an agreement that something should happen. Second, consent suggests that the two people have equal power. The fact is that there is a power differential between a minister and congregant that precludes the ability for a congregant to consent. The person who occupies a pastoral role has power inherent in that professional role. (Source)

While this specifically addresses a congregant, there is no consent in a power differential that includes spiritual authority. Every ministry leader has spiritual authority in the communities that they serve—inside and outside of religious settings.

How prevalent is Clergy Sexual Misconduct (CSA)?

[The 2008 General Social Survey (GSS), a widely-used and highly-respected survey of a random sample of more than 3,500 American adults conducted by the National Opinion Research Center] found that 3.1 percent of adult women who attend religious services at least once a month have been the victims of clergy sexual misconduct since turning 18. To explain another way, in the average U.S. congregation of 400 adult members, seven women, on average, have been victimized at some point in their adult lives. (Source)

I was not alone in the pews of the churches I attended. Already 25% of those who sat alongside me were victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) and now—those statistics may overlap—it seems that many also shared my adult story. My first hint that this might be true was when reading the book, Scandalon: Running from Shame and Finding God's Scandalous Love by Susan Elaine Jenkins (no relation). As the author related her confused emotions as she sat in the sanctuary, I understood that I was not alone in my experience of spiritual betrayal.

What Should the Response of the Church Be?

It would be much easier to talk about the abject failure of churches* and denominations in addressing the sexual abuse of adults by ministry leaders. Since victims are viewed as consensual adults, their needs are rarely addressed—except for the damaging practice of calling victims to spiritual renewal through repentance.

Next week, I will address the word “restoration” as it applies to this topic.

If the church has a dismal record in addressing the abuse of children, addressing the needs of adult victims is almost non-existent. If this piece will help us stop using the language of “affair” I will be thankful. It isn’t easy and I still catch myself using language that places blame on victims including myself! We can all do better.

I decided to speak up on this topic because I had focused on how young I was—completely unaware that I was gathering sympathy by focusing on my age instead of addressing the issue itself. It is not an “affair” no matter the age. I wasn’t there yet—healing is a very long and complicated process. My journey continues.

I hope readers will access the information in the source links and those provided below. There is a growing call for legal ramifications as explained in the article, Some Churches Call Clergy Sexual Misconduct an ‘Affair.’ Survivors Are Fighting to Make It Against the Law. At the time of publication laws had been passed in thirteen states. Hopefully, there will be more states that recognize this as abuse.

Resources:

While there are many more organizations, books, and individuals that address this topic, the following resource is a great place to begin.

• Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse Advocacy & Research Collaborative (Baylor University—Diana R. Garland School of Social Work)

  • also see Resources

  • also see Research and Press

• The Baylor University Resources include far more than I accessed for this article but these are the links for the quotes.

  • Some Churches Call Clergy Sexual Misconduct an ‘Affair.’ Survivors Are Fighting to Make It Against the Law.

  • Opinion: Evangelical Leaders Should Criminalize Adult Clergy Sex Abuse, Not ‘Restore’ Offenders (Roys Report)

  • When Wolves Wear Shepherd’s Clothing: Helping Women Survive Clergy Sexual Abuse (Diana Garland)

  • Former CEO Accuses Founder of Clergy Sexual Abuse** (Roys Report)

  • Baylor University Conducts Largest National Study of Clergy Sexual Misconduct with Adults

  • It is Not an Affair: It is Abuse by David K. Pooler

  • What is Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse? (video overview added after publication)

**Specific names removed from title.

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My fellow co-founder (Religious Trauma Network ) and I were on the same page this week!

“Power dynamics matter. A secret relationship between a pastor or staff member and a congregant isn’t just an affair or moral failure—it's a deeper issue of trust and responsibility.” —David Ruybalid (See Facebook for more information or Instagram)

*Author Note: I realize the word church is inadequate to describe the incredibly diverse faith communities in the United States and around the world. If what I write in these Religious Trauma newsletters is not present in your church culture, that is a blessing that does not discount the existence of church culture which is traumatizing or re-traumatizing the wounded. I believe what I write on this topic has value for reflection even if your church culture is different.