Didn’t I Already Work Through this?
#14 in the series: What I Wish I had Known Before Beginning Therapy
Have you ever climbed to the top of a hill only to discover that all your effort only got you to where you can see what hill you need to climb next? That is often how I felt after processing some overwhelming traumatic memory during therapy. It is also true that healing often felt like peeling an onion. You peel off one layer only to find another underneath it.
The good news is that the series of hills will end and you will get to the center of the onion.
I use both the hill and the onion to explain the process of healing because it works in two different ways. The hills do not repeat—they are processing a series of memories—most often related to each other like a chain of mountains. You have to climb the first one to even be able to see the next one.
The onion on the other hand involves many layers of the same traumatic memory. Sometimes the memory is too difficult to process all a once and your subconscious only allows you to see the top layer. Then, when you have resolved the memory at that level, your subconscious will reveal a deeper level.
I wish I had understood that therapy involved both climbing over hills and peeling onions. Over the past few weeks, I have been cleaning up my computer. It was full and overflowing with the writing I did while processing. I had stored the documents chronologically which made sense because they were the hills I climbed over one by one. When memories (hills) were processed thoroughly I never returned to them—I moved on to the next hill.
Other memories kept showing up again and again. When this happened I said, “Didn’t I already work through this?” Yes, but this was another layer of the onion. If I paused for a moment, I could recognize that though the memory (onion) was the same, this new layer was very different from the first one.
New layers were any of the following:
Part of the memory that I didn’t remember earlier. (Maybe I wasn’t ready yet!)
Realizing that I was viewing the memory from an adult perspective, not from the view of my childhood self. (This stands in the way of self-compassion!)
Additional information about what occurred (Sometimes this resulted from research, asking people involved, or visiting a particular location.)
After processing other parts of my story, I realized how what I came to believe about myself because of a traumatic memory.
Each hill or layer is essential in the healing process. Sometimes the processing of a memory resulted in a transformational epiphany or internal change. When this occurred, I was prone to telling my therapist that I thought I had gotten to the core problem and considered that I might be “done.” Yes, with that layer or hill! It didn’t mean that I had climbed all the necessary hills or unpeeled all the onion layers. Sometimes it allowed me to take a break or slow down. Breaks are OK—they provide space to stabilize.
What I needed to understand was that this is how therapy works. There are hills, valleys, and plateaus. Then, you also peel a lot of onions! There is no shame in returning and asking for more help. I can hear my therapist saying, “If you need to do more work, you can always contact me.” She knew and was leaving the decision to me. But I usually turned myself inside out over asking for help again.
Eventually, I realized that my trauma story was so significant that there might always be another hill or onion layer. My work to support those who are healing demands that I recognize when something is surfacing and that I need to ask for help. Continuing therapy at some level is self-care.
And I am so glad that I no longer add hills and layers to the problem by shaming myself!
Note: All information and resources presented in these newsletters are drawn from my personal story and do not replace professional psychological care for mental health issues. My legal and ethical advice is always to seek professional help.