Exploring What it Means to Heal
Week Four: Purple Elephant Trauma Series
This article is a summary of the posts that have been shared on Facebook this week. The impact of trauma is felt by those who sit on both sides of the political aisles. It is neither red nor blue—thus, a purple elephant. More important than any election result is that we care well for one another and also the most effective way to do that is to learn about the impact of trauma. Trauma is the purple elephant in every conversation I read. We need to be better informed! When we know better, it is then possible to do better. It is time to begin class!
Note: What I will be offering in these posts is only a glimpse of the depth of knowledge you can access in ATN’s Trauma-Informed Certification!
Day 1: Changing the Question to “What Happened To You?”
Question: What if there is actually nothing wrong with you?
For the past four years, I have taught a Current Trends in Neuroscience & Trauma course for Tabor College’s MEd program. When my colleagues and I were designing the class, I suggested the book What Happened to You: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. It was accessible (I have always chosen accessible texts for courses), filled with important applications after the deep dive into neuroscience that the students had completed in previous classes, and it was the current big seller in the trauma arena—it still is #8 on Amazon in the PTSD category. (It also aligned well with the already-built course outline—synergy!)
What I did not know when choosing the book was how effective it would be in changing the mind set that results in asking themselves and others, “What is wrong with you?” The answer to that question is nothing. Those impacted by trauma and toxic stress are having normal responses to abnormal circumstances. The correct question is “What happened to you?” This question was not new to me but the book provided an accessible understanding of why it was the correct one to ask.
In a religious world in which problematic behaviors and physical complaints have been consistency attributed to spiritual problems, I wondered how the book would be received. It of course helped that the students in the program had already understood the neuroscience behind the impact of trauma. Even then, I did not expect to see student after student completely shift their paradigms to the correct question: “What happened to you?” It was a shift from judgment to compassion.
This week, I will be writing about what it means to heal from the impact of trauma. An essential first step is the need shift away from the question, “What is wrong with me?” A primary impact of trauma is the internalized belief that something is very wrong with us. That is shame speaking and asking that may feel like right even though it is the wrong question. Having something wrong with you implies that you need to be fixed. If impacted by trauma, you are not in need of being “fixed,” you are in need of healing, which is the topic for this week.
If you have ever asked that question of yourself, put this book on your reading list. Ask for it for Christmas. Give it to someone for Christmas. I highly suggest the audio version!
Side Note: I have had students and others question reading a book written by Oprah Winfrey. I would have felt the same years ago while in churches that denounced her. Reading this book was a wake up call to how I had accepted the bias of others without question. I quote her in Trauma in the Pews and much of what I shared about the importance of the church for the Black community was a result of my research based on this quote for the book:
“When I was a child, we used the term weathering. We didn’t have a word for the kind of trauma so many African Americans endured, so we said we ‘weathered.’ The church was a big part of how we got through. We weathered together.”
Winfrey, Oprah; Perry, Bruce D.. What Happened to You? (p. 193). Flatiron Books.
Day 2: Can We Ever Change What Happened to Us?
Question: What does healing childhood trauma actually mean?
Sadly, the answer to the question in today’s title is no—but that doesn’t mean we cannot heal. The mistake made by those who propose that we will get over it if we don’t dwell on what happened to us is that their advice is a prescription for suffering. Maybe dwelling on what happened isn’t a good idea, but ignoring the impact of trauma on our nervous system is an even worse idea.
Why? Because the trauma is held in the body until it is resolved. The best book on this topic is The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. This is another book you need to place at the top of your To-Be-Read list. Trauma is not only stored in the very cells of our body, it fundamentally changes how our brain functions. As van der Kolk stated:
Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think. We have discovered that helping victims of trauma find the words to describe what has happened to them is profoundly meaningful, but usually it is not enough. The act of telling the story doesn’t necessarily alter the automatic physical and hormonal responses of bodies that remain hypervigilant, prepared to be assaulted or violated at any time. For real change to take place, the body needs to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present. Our search to understand trauma has led us to think differently not only about the structure of the mind but also about the processes by which it heals. (pp. 45-46)
The impact in the body (and brain) affects our thinking but is embedded in the lower parts of the brain (the limbic system and brain stem) that send signals to our autonomic nervous system (ANP). The video below is the very best explanation of all this. While we cannot change what happened to us, we can heal the impact it had on us (specifically our ANP). And most often the Purple Elephant of trauma needs to walk in the door of a trauma-based therapist to begin healing—I certainly did. (See What is Trauma-Based Therapy?)
Day 3: How Do We Heal from Childhood Trauma?
Question: What does healing from the impact of trauma involve?
While recording an interview with my friend Brian Lee for the Broken to Beloved Annual Summit (coming in January), I attempted to answer this question. My answers were satisfactory, but in no way explained the wide assortment of those activities that aided my healing. This word cloud provides a glimpse.
Healing requires active involvement beyond the therapy session. What that looks like depends on the individual. This is my list, not everyone’s list. I describe much of what I did in Jeannie’s Brave Childhood: Behavior and Healing through the Lens of Attachment and Trauma.
Trauma-based healing always requires more than simply talking to a therapist—which was all I knew about therapy before I began healing. (Read more in this article: What is Trauma-Based Therapy?) Healing involves all the ways that we reconnect with our body, gain new perspectives about what happened to us, learn to have compassion for our younger selves, and develop a toolbox of regulation skills to help us remain grounded in the present and calm our nervous system (stay in or return to the Window of Tolerance—see Week Three).
An essential part of healing is working through understanding our story better. For this, yes we do need to process painful and traumatic memories. With the help of a professional therapist, this processing can be done in a safe setting. In that non-judgmental space, you can understand that you were helpless as a child, but you are no longer there. You can realize where you are carrying shame that was never yours to carry.
Trauma-based therapy involves learning what it means to trust within a safe relationship. This is no easy task! Relational trauma can only heal within healthy relationships. I describe this as Brave and in this essay, A Client’s Reflection on Uncontrolling and Relational Therapy available online and published in the book, Does Not Control: Therapists, Psychologists, and Counselors Explore Uncontrolling Love. This article also describes how this relationship encourages the development of agency—the power to choose.
For all these reasons my therapy was effective because it met the following three criteria for trauma-based healing:
Trauma-Based Therapy Emphasizes Emotional Safety
Trauma-Based Therapy Encourages Empowerment and Agency
Trauma-Based Therapy is Grounded in Neuroscience
Tomorrow we will learn more about what being grounded means.
Day 4: What Does Being Grounded Mean?
Question: What is grounding and why is it important?
AI Image: DaVinci App (There are weird things in this image!)
Once I began to access therapy and trauma-informed information, I struggled to understand the concept of grounding. This was in part because it is used in various ways. ChatGPT explains it the following way—which sounds a lot like remaining or returning to the Window of Tolerance. It also sounds like self-regulation.
"Staying grounded" refers to maintaining emotional stability, mental clarity, and a strong sense of connection to reality, even during challenging or overwhelming situations. It is often associated with being present in the moment and feeling secure within yourself, both physically and emotionally. Staying grounded can help you stay calm, make better decisions, and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
That explanation makes sense to me at this place in my healing journey but it took many small baby steps to get here. The following list was not something I even remotely understood when I walked into therapy!
Learning to connect with my body again.
Acknowledging my emotions with self-compassion.
Separating my current circumstances from past traumas.
Focusing on the present moment.
Learning and practicing self-regulation strategies.
What a list! For a trauma survivor, feeling grounded results from the hard work involved in healing. I lived my life with dissociative coping strategies and it took time to understand that I was disconnected from my body, overwhelmed by dysregulated emotions, subconsciously reliving past trauma, and had no idea that self-regulation was different from control.
Even at this point on my journey, the ChatGPT description of being grounded is a goal that comes more easily on some days than others. It is easy to fall into the trap of believing that healing requires me to be a “perfect grounder.” The truth is, sometimes life is overwhelming and all dissociation is not unhealthy. It is one way your body cares for you. The key is to know the difference and have the skills to remain grounded when life requires it.
We will discuss what it feels like not to be grounded and strategies for grounding yourself when this occurs.
Day 5: What If I am Not Grounded?
Question: How does being ungrounded feel like and what can you do about it?
I am going to let ChatGPT take this one because we have had quite a week and this description is perfect:
Not being grounded often feels like being emotionally or mentally "untethered." You may experience a sense of disconnection from yourself, others, or your surroundings.
Honestly, I could not have thought of a better word than untethered. It was how I spent far more of my life than I care to think about. When I asked ChatGPT about specific symptoms, the list was longer than I wanted to include. I will simply say that the symptoms can be emotional, mental, and physical.
The following are my top five tell-tale signs that I am not grounded. They rarely all occur at the same time!
Reacting strongly to small inconveniences or feeling on edge.
A sense of confusion or difficulty concentrating.
A lightheaded or "spaced out" sensation.
Sensing the need to escape situations that feel overwhelming.
Mentally far away and unable to focus on the here and now.
Recognizing you are not grounded while you are dysregulated is not easy. It takes practice. You are asking your prefrontal cortex to think when the amygdala has taken it offline. This is why asking children (or adults) to think about being grounded while they are still dysregulated is often completely useless.
One of the hardest things I have had to do is to remember what to do when I realize I am not grounded. I put lists on my phone and couldn't think of checking. I had to practice when I didn’t need it so that it became a natural choice when I needed it. I had to move through my day with grounding as a natural part of my routines. When I get too busy it is much harder to do this!
It was necessary to figure out what worked for me. I utilize several of the techniques in the following resources. Until you realize the intent is to keep you in the present moment, they can seem rather trivial. They are not! It is a powerful thing to learn that it is possible to ground yourself!
Week Four Reflection Questions:
Why is changing the question to “What happened to you?” important? Can you explain what the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) is? Why is understanding the ANS important for healing? How are healing and being grounded connected? What does it feel like when you are not grounded? How can you ground yourself?
Coming back to respond to your first question. When you grow up believing that you are a problem and that you don’t matter, changing the question to “What happened to you?” instead of “What’s wrong with you?” is a profound shift that opens up so much potential for healing.
Sometimes the timing of what you share here is astounding to me. 😳 This is one of those times….
Last night I spent an hour or more going through the video you share here and talking about what it means with my 9-year-old. Helping him to understand that he deserved to be cared for when he was a baby and a toddler and that even though he may not remember, his body still responds at times as if he is not safe or as if he needs to make sure he has what he needs. We talked about some specific ways we see his body mobilized and ready to protect himself, I reminded him that he is loved and safe, and we talked about some ways to ground ourselves.
He gave me a hug and thanked me today and told me it helped. One of the most poignant moments of the day was while we were having hot cocoa together and he told his two younger sisters (each with trauma backgrounds of their own), “When you know about trauma and the nervous system, you’ll understand.” We continued the conversation today pointing out when our nervous systems were shifting and how we could help ourselves.