I Knew What Everyone Was Thinking

#17 in the series: What I Wish I had Known Before Beginning Therapy

Photo by Drew Dizzy Graham on Unsplash

There was a way that my therapist would tilt her head that suggested that I reflect on what I had just said. At first, she would query, “Everyone?” or “Who are they?” or “All?” or “Never?” but after a while, it was just the head tilt that did it because I began to hear myself say these words even when she wasn’t gently listening.

What she recognized was that I was globalizing the pain I experienced. It wasn’t that no one cared or everyone was judging me. It just felt that way. Why? Usually, it was because I feared being hurt again and keeping everyone at arm’s length felt protective. She never invalidated how I felt, she simply helped me to consider how I was globalizing my feelings on too many people, without cause.

My thoughts and feelings were valid because they were based on what happened to me and what I came to believe as a result. I could give an example of someone who didn’t care, could not be trusted, invalidated me, etc. It felt good to be able to provide these examples. I wasn’t wrong. That truly did happen—just not in ways that made sense for me to say everyone. It was my truth; it just wasn’t true for the whole entire world and everyone in it—especially not the caring human sitting across from me who had devoted her life to helping others heal.

Before beginning therapy, it would have been helpful to understand that emotions or feelings can be valid and incorrect at the same time. An important aspect of therapy is to find places where our valid feelings about a true event may need some adjustment. Since being incorrect about something was a sure-fire way to have a shame attack, I am grateful for a therapist who gently helped me check my survivor-based perceptions at the door to freedom.

I was also convinced that I knew what my therapist was thinking. We eventually had some laughs over this, but it took time. “Janyne, you do not know what I am thinking. What do you think I am thinking?” I knew that answer! “I think you are frustrated because I can’t get over this. I also think that you are ready to be done with helping me. That I am a bother.”

I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was along the lines of, “No I am not thinking that. You are amazing and are working so hard. I believe you may have been made to feel like that as a child, but that is certainly not what I am thinking.”

My tendency to put words in other people’s heads was embedded in childhood hypervigilance. As a child, I needed to read the room—especially when my mother was in it. I survived by noticing my mother’s facial expression and knowing what was going on in her head when they appeared. It usually meant that something I was doing, saying, or thinking was unacceptable. To survive, I came to believe those things were true about myself. It was easier to predict when I was being a problem if I understood that I was a problem.

Eventually, it occurred to me that what I thought was in my therapist’s head was actually what was in my head. She wasn’t frustrated with me; I was frustrated with myself. I was frustrated with myself because I couldn’t just “get over it.” If I was frustrated with myself, then surely she must also be frustrated with me. No, she really wasn’t.

As survivors, globalizing our fear to everyone and putting thoughts into the heads of others are important survival skills. We often did know what others were thinking and it wasn’t good. If we believed everyone thought that way, then we had good reasons not to trust anyone. Never trusting anyone often did protect us—it also kept us from trusting those who might have helped us. Not everyone is potentially harmful. And, most of the time, we don’t know what other people are thinking.

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Looking Ahead to the We Do Therapy Series that Will Begin in July for Paid Subscribers:

I have come to the realization that when I met Scott, my assessment of him was based on whether I believed he would protect me—he has. In the Tina Turner song, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?”* one line sums it up: “I've been thinking about my own protection. It scares me to feel this way” Attraction isn’t everything—one needs to be protected. I now would change the wedding vows to “love protect her faithfully, today, tomorrow, and for as long as the two of you shall live”

*Songwriters: Terry Britten / Graham Hamilton Lyle

Note: All information and resources presented in these newsletters are drawn from my personal story and do not replace professional psychological care for mental health issues. My legal and ethical advice is always to seek professional help.