McMusing: Getting Caught in a Wake

The danger of becoming comfortable.

AI Generated Image

Imagine being out on a lake in a boat. It is a Sunday afternoon and the lake is filled with those choosing to enjoy the warmth of a sunny day on the water. Your boat is small but sturdy and you are able to avoid running over kayaks while navigating the wakes left by larger boats. Suddenly, a larger-than-expected boat crosses your path and you brace for the turbulence but somehow end up following in the boat’s wake. It is surprisingly comfortable in the center of the wake. At one point you try to get out of the wake, but the turbulence is uncomfortable so you settle in to enjoy the journey. Life is good out on the lake.

But you have no idea where you are headed.

Is that story plausible? I am not very versed in boating so I asked ChatGPT:

“Yes, a boat can travel in another boat's wake, and this practice is quite common. The wake is the area of disturbed water left behind by a moving boat, and when another boat follows in this wake, it can benefit from smoother water and reduced resistance. This can make the ride more comfortable and efficient, as the following boat can use less power to maintain speed.”

This is a word picture for how incredibly easy it is to become comfortable in the wake of a mission that is not your own. This is especially true if other boats are also caught in the wake and the messaging from those in the large boat communicates that you have made a great choice to follow them. Large boats can be political, religious, or based on social justice issues. They can be positive or nefarious. Even when positive, you can lose yourself in the comfort of the wake.

Getting caught in the wake of a large boat is what happened to me two years ago when I published Trauma in the Pews. The purpose of the book was to help ministry leaders understand the impact of childhood trauma on those who sit in their pews.

Then, a large boat of those who had been harmed by the church sped by me and caught me in their wake. Because I had not yet fully healed from this aspect of my story, it felt good to ride in the wake of those who understood how religious trauma had impacted me. It has been a safe place shelter while I healed the significant impact of the abuse I experienced in church settings.

While caught in this wake, it was difficult to stay focused on my original purpose of supporting those who suffered from the impact of childhood trauma. My unhealed story acted like the turbulent outer edges of the wake and made it difficult for me to head out into open water and regain my purpose. I needed to heal—which is what I have done for the past year.

Those on the religious trauma boat have taught me much and I could not have continued healing without them. They became my friends as I trailed along in their wake. I will continue to work with several in ways that fit my purpose—driving alongside their boat, not in the wake of it.

How does one avoid being caught in a wake? ChatGPT suggests the following:

It's best to either steer clear of another boat's wake or cross it at a 45-degree angle, which can help minimize the impact of the turbulence.

Starting this Substack was my 45-degree exit out of that wake. I needed to take my boat back out on the water and find my purpose again. I do not regret my time in the wake and believe my perspectives added important insights to the conversations. Yet, after spending my life in the wake of the church boat, I did not want to exchange it for ending my life in the wake of a religious trauma boat. It is an important mission—just not mine. I can contribute without remaining comfortable in the wake.

As I considered this experience, I realized how easy it is to get comfortable in the wake of a boat that is not taking us where we need or want to go. We can believe in the overall mission of those in the boat, be lulled by the comfort of the wake, and miss red flags. This happened to me recently and I am in the process of sorting it out. It happens. Even boat drivers with good intent can lose their way.

Understanding how wakes work, it now seems that this is probably the fourth or fifth time that I have had to do that 45-degree cut across the turbulence to find my way. I don’t think I am a slow learner; it comes with the territory of the normal human need to belong and it is easy for those who experienced childhood trauma to get caught in the wakes of large powerful boats. It is far more comfortable than dodging the turbulence out in the open water.

How do we know that a 45-degree escape over the turbulence is necessary? Here are some possibilities:

1. We are comfortable in the wake.

2. We agree with everything the driver of the boat is telling us.

3. We disagree with anything said by those in other boats.

4. Heading toward the edge of the wake feels uncomfortable (turbulent).

Yep. I have been there. Sometimes I needed to be there for a time, but I also needed to recognize when I was losing myself and know how to stay safe and exit if necessary.

I conclude with some excellent advice from ChatGPT:

It is important to maintain a safe distance from the lead boat to avoid collision or getting caught in turbulent water. Additionally, traveling too closely can be hazardous due to the unpredictable nature of the wake, especially if the leading boat makes sudden maneuvers.

I am thankful that I have a better understanding of how important it is to listen to my gut feelings and how it has helped me recognize my need to navigate out on open water again. Religious trauma will always be an important part of what I address—with a particular emphasis on its interconnection with childhood trauma. My focus will always be healing from those things that never should have happened. There is so much hope to be found in healing.