McMusing: Life and the Game of Solitaire

What does it mean to win at life?

During several conversations this week—virtual and in-person—the following question came up: How could my life have been different if it weren’t for the trauma I experienced? What I asked in this piece—written four years ago—was similar. I have re-worked my thoughts to express what I have learned since writing the original.

Photo by Aditya Chinchure on Unsplash

Since I was a teenager, I have been obsessed with the solitaire game. I try variations, but ultimately, I return to the traditional game. When processing during the intensive parts of therapy, it was often a “go-to.”

I enjoy the computerized version of solitaire. It takes away the strain of shuffling and setting out the cards. If it looks like a lousy hand, I just click and reshuffle. I often wish resetting life was that easy. At one point, I played a computer version that let me reset the same game and try it again. I still lost sometimes, but I sensed it was possible to win. That is my attitude about almost everything.

Then, I realized I could go back to the beginning of the game by hitting undo again and again. Tedious! But it helped me know that when no more moves came up, I could use the feature to backtrack. Was that legal? Am I cheating? *insert anxiety* It amuses me that I was that conscientious!

How often did I let that message stop me from winning a winnable game?

One day, I lost a game and it reset with the same exact hand. I wondered if I could remember what I did and try a different way. So, I did, and I won. This made me consider that the program was likely loaded with all winning games. How else could it be fair in the rankings?

While playing, I began to consider life as a game. When we are born, does God look down and say, “S(he) can win this!” Is every game of life winnable? Would God create a world where some are destined to win and others to lose? And what does it mean to win anyway? So many questions.

But life isn’t like a computerized game of solitaire. Everyone doesn’t get the same hand. This is true genetically and environmentally. Are the hands different and every single life has the potential to win? Does our idea of what constitutes winning keep us from understanding how we are winning—ways that do not look much like winning the game?

If trauma robs us of potential, opportunities, and so much more—can we still win? I have to fight my “game mentality” that tries to define what winning would look like in my life.

Is it possible to make a wrong choice and still win the game? Yes, but for those who have been taught that there is one path we must find to win the game, it is easy to believe we missed it. If the game is more about who we become than what we accomplish then there are an unlimited number of ways to win.

Ten years ago when I suddenly found myself playing a game of “52 Pick Up,” it did seem that I had lost the game. I lost so much in terms of what is most often considered winning the game. But what I gained in becoming who I am today is far greater than anything I lost. I am exactly who I was born to be.

It was never about success; it was always about becoming.

Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming. —John Wooden