McMusing: Searching for Authenticity
How survival instincts can cause us to choose certainty.over authenticity.
The Complexity of Trust
I will turn 72 in June. In my lifetime, I have witnessed the very worst and the very best that humans have to offer one another. Not much that occurs surprises me. I deeply understand the human capacity for both love and evil. Neither one astounds me—though one warms my soul and the other drowns me in great sadness.
I have understood what it means to trust and have that trust betrayed. As a young child, I seemed to understand who could not be trusted. What I could not reconcile in my young mind was why the adults seemed to trust those who harmed me.
Now I understand that being an adult is much more complicated than being a child. What appears like trust for those who should not be trusted is often built upon layers of protection. This unique form of protection accepts many unacceptable things to maintain the status quo or an illusion of certainty.
Children learn this pretense of trust. They learn to fear the consequences of not trusting those who hold power over them. It is impossible to have a sense of safety without pledging allegiance and burying the uncomfortable feeling that someone should not be trusted. It is easier to manufacture a false sense of trust than to acknowledge that the person you must depend on is untrustworthy.
Trustworthiness and Authenticity
I admit to a life-long fascination and determination to understand those who would take advantage of this human need to trust. I have been in many situations where I ignored the warning signs and trusted those who were untrustworthy. I have also doubted those who were trustworthy. It is easier to fake being trustworthy than it is to live an authentic trustworthy life. When we have been conditioned to trust those who are not trustworthy, authenticity feels dangerous. That is how we come to distrust those who really are trustworthy.
Authentic: True to one's own personality, spirit, or character
The only solution I have found to this quandary is to work hard to heal and live a life of authenticity in which I am true to who I was created to be. Authenticity enables me to show up as the same person no matter where I am or who I am with. Who I show up as with a family member, or as a professor, podcast guest, friend, or therapy client can be the exact same person.
Authenticity has been a challenging accomplishment since I spent most of my life as a multi-faceted chameleon! The layers of fearful compliance and people-pleasing were only possible if I convinced myself to trust the untrustworthy who demanded my trust. They offered the illusion of trust and I returned the same. This was at the core of how I survived. I was good at it and often placed blame on myself for the misdeeds of the untrustworthy.
What I learned was that those who request unflinching trust and devotion are always charlatans who know exactly how to wield the power of an illusion that people long to trust while at the same time requiring compliance. Survivors who have chosen to un-layer the protections caused by trauma are often astute at recognizing these charlatans—the illusion is gone.
We do great harm to ourselves as survivors when we do not listen to this inner wisdom. It is difficult to step away from the illusion because those who steadfastly believe the illusion are often vocal and cruel to those who call out abuse—it threatens their status quo and false sense of certainty.
Politics and Self-Serving Agendas
The reality is that we are all seeking the same things. I asked ChatGPT to list the four basic things Americans seek.
Freedom – The ability to make choices, express oneself, and pursue one's own path in life without undue restriction.
Opportunity – The chance to succeed, improve one’s circumstances, and achieve the "American Dream."
Security – Safety in terms of financial stability, personal well-being, and national protection.
Belonging – A sense of community, connection, and acceptance within society.
The art of politics is for a candidate to convince a majority of people that he or she has their interests at heart and the best plan to achieve this list. It is easy to hear the ways politicians target these needs in every campaign. The difference in the political parties is how they believe these needs can be met and what that will look like when they are.
While every politician bases their platform on these needs, it is the charlatan politician who is best able to convince people that he or she is working on their behalf while following a hidden agenda based on personal needs. No political party is immune to this but in my fifty-plus years as a voting adult, I have never seen it so well executed (not even in the Nixon era).
When Authenticity Wins
Last week, I was accused—by someone who has known me for many years—of basing all my views on my hatred of one man. Honestly, any one man would need to stand in line with all the other men I would have reason to hate, but hate is so unproductive. My focus has been and always will be on calling out those who harm the vulnerable.
It was a painful attack on my character but it prompted me to do a better job articulating the glaring difference between the men (pastors, educators, businessmen, authors, etc.) who I have come to deeply respect over the past few years. Their defining characteristic? Authenticity. Something that I, as a healed and healing survivor, recognize instantly.
While watching these men lead churches and organizations, write books, develop programs, etc., one thing is always true—they unflinchingly stand in the gap for the marginalized. Their character and authenticity provide examples of certainty in an uncertain world.
The younger me who suppressed misgivings about those who eventually did prove to be untrustworthy understands the impact of survival needs that cry out for certainty. There is nothing I can do or say that can break an illusion that feels safe to someone else. What I can do is stand in the gap for those who are healing and sensing that they can no longer believe in the illusion.
I see you and understand how hard it is to sit with uncertainty but authenticity is a viable option. As your world begins to fill with people who may have different approaches but are authentically themselves and doing their best to care for others, life is so much better. Maybe that can’t ever happen in politics as a whole, but we can certainly listen to our instincts, care for one another, and stop striving for certainty by following those who claim it exists. Certainty can only exist in who we consistently show up as in the world. We can be our own authentic certainty.