McMusing: Small Bodies - Big Emotions
Reframing what it means to be a child (or adult) with needs and emotions.
The following is an adaptation of a McMusing posted on my Facebook page two years ago.
Early this morning my friend sent me a picture of her adorable two-year-old granddaughter who is visiting her this week. So much cuteness! Along with that cuteness, anyone who has cared for small children is familiar with the powerful force of a meltdown. Life isn’t always easy for or with a two-year-old child!
We traditionally call those meltdowns tantrums (or temper tantrums). As defined by the Oxford Languages Dictionary, a tantrum is an “uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration.” Dictionary.com is less kind when it defines a tantrum as “a violent demonstration of rage or frustration; a sudden burst of ill temper.” How this traditionally plays out in our cultural mindset is that the child could have controlled it but chose not to. Where does this idea come from?
I recently listened to a podcast and heard a pastor say, "If you want to know if we are born with an evil heart, look at the two-year-old." Can we all hear the audience laugh? I am sure many of us are familiar with this type of humor in sermons. He went on to say that the evidence of this is when a two-year-old says "mine.” This type of thinking is embedded in how these teachings have impacted parenting for generations.
Let me reframe this. The two-year-old is not demonstrating an evil heart! They have BIG EMOTIONS and very natural God-given needs. They also are trying to figure out what it means to be me and have stuff that is mine. This is a normal—and important—developmental stage.
Our job is to help them accept and understand their BIG EMOTIONS and natural human needs. They need help in learning how to ask and respond in ways that promote healthy communication. The thinking part of their brain isn't fully formed—they need help, not punishment. If we view them as born evil we will be less than effective in doing this.
It is remarkable that a pastor would use a child as an example when there are so many examples of adults doing evil in the world. Is it that it is so much easier to call out a child than an adult? Using two-year-old children as an example is not helpful to parents who need to look beyond behaviors and nurture their children.
Our misunderstanding of what causes a “tantrum” has resulted in an abundant number of adults who were punished as children but did not receive help in learning how to regulate their BIG EMOTIONS. Punishment seemed to work because shame is an inhibitor that motivates the child to control their emotions. It does not address the unmet needs that are the root cause of the behavior. The root cause of children’s behavior that we deem undesirable is not a willful sin. Behavior is a communication of unmet needs.
We do not punish children into being functional adults; we nurture them. Yes, discipline (nurturing guidance) is important. Yes, accountability is necessary. And compassionate repair is essential. At the end of the day, it will be the relationships we have with children that will matter because the only way to build healthy self-regulation skills is through relationships.
A secure attachment relationship as a child is the single most important factor in adult mental health (not the only one--but the most important). I don't think Jesus would have ever used a two-year-old as an example of evil. Maybe it isn't really that funny anymore.
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14 (NIV)
Resource
Many of us were raised within—or raised our children within—church communities that trusted the advice of Christian parenting experts. I am following along with a well-researched discussion of this on Krispin and D.L. Mayfield’s Strongwilled substack. Krispin and I published books that focused on the importance of attachment at about the same time and have had several conversations around these topics. This is a conversation we all need to have, but it is not for the faint of heart! Agree or disagree, we cannot deny the impact that these teachings have had on our families and nation.