McMusing: Stepping into the Kitchen Arena
What is telling women to stay in the kitchen actually about?
I have been almost completely off of social media this month. But when a commencement speech—I have listened to so many—created a brouhaha while I sat in a hospital waiting area all day, the temptation was just too great. I was intrigued. I also generally avoid engaging in these things unless it applies to what I am working to help others understand. This one did.
Of all the memes and commentaries, David Hayward (Naked Pastor) was the only one who captured the child’s perspective. The cartoon showed a baby on the pulpit crying, “I want my Mommy!” (see the cartoon and thoughts) I had also considered this as an underlying emotion and was curious as to his thoughts while creating the cartoon. Ah ha! Someone acknowledged the feelings of a child!
I remember when my mom got a job. She was always a traditional homemaker up to that point. I came home from school and for the first time my mom wasn't there. How sad and heartbroken I was! I felt deserted and abandoned. I sometimes wonder if, at the root of this idea of keeping women at home, it includes a deep and unconscious fear of being abandoned by our mothers.
I was a work-outside-the-home mother who was the child of a work-outside-the-home mother. There were times that I did not work—specifically during the first year of my children's lives. This was an informed and conscious choice because of what my child development major had taught me about attachment needs. It was a sacrifice in two specific ways.
I stepped away from paying jobs to do this and it was a financial hardship—one that not all families can navigate. Most companies and states do not have adequate programs to support young families in ways that nurture children.
I was not a great stay-at-home mother. I had no example of it, I don’t bake, and working allowed me to hire housekeepers. Truth. I also ran from my trauma history by staying busy—working accomplished this.
I did understand what it felt like to come home to a “mom” in the kitchen through my best friend during eighth grade. Her house was on the way to my house—which would be empty—so I spent an hour or so there before heading home. This “mom” always kept strawberry milk in the cabinet for me—still my go-to on difficult days. When we moved I returned to going home to an empty house and I was perfectly content because my mother was not that “mom.”
What we need to understand is that warm cozy feelings about stay-at-home moms are not what every child experiences. It is not always in the best interest of the children. I know this because of my story and those that are shared with me. Having a mom in the kitchen is not the point.
When we try to legislate or shame other families into doing what we believe is best, we ignore the child’s experience. It isn’t about staying home, it is about children having a mother or other caregiver who has the support they need to be mentally healthy and attuned parents. There are teachers all across America who have children in their classrooms who do not want to go home.
Was David Hayward sad when his mother went to work because he did have a nurturing mother? And if during the commencement speech, there was a small hurting child crying out for mothers to stay in the kitchen, we need to understand that it is not about staying home—it is about being nurtured. Those can be the same thing but there is no guarantee.
How can we support children who go home to empty houses or to mothers who struggle to care for them? This applies to children of all ages. My brother’s church in Scottsdale is across the street from the public high school. The church opens the huge lobby after school every day to give kids a place to hang out. The adults provide both supervision and listening ears.
It is OK to feel all sorts of ways about a commencement speech that the college itself stepped away from. It is even more important to consider how we can help children feel nurtured and cared for in kitchens with or without mothers when they come home. The Benedictine Sisters of Mount St. Scholastica said it this way in their statement:
Our community has taught young women and men not just how to be “homemakers” in a limited sense, but rather how to make a Gospel-centered, compassionate home within themselves where they can welcome others as Christ, empowering them to be the best versions of themselves. (source)
Once again, as I stated in Monday’s post, attachment is my lane. It is remarkable how often an understanding of our earliest experiences informs the adult confrontations in the arena of life. I am always watching for someone who makes it this obvious and am sad at how seldom the needs of the children are the central focus.
As an aside: I was fortunate—while working outside of the home—to have a work schedule that allowed me to be home in the summer and pick up my children after school. I am not sure how attuned I was when we all arrived home but I tried. I also got distracted and forgot them sometimes. My children have many “mom” stories.