McMusing: The Plight of Single Mothers
How can we provide non-judgmental compassion for single mothers?
For the past four days, I have shared my thoughts on how we can approach the topic of abortion with non-judgmental compassion—and curiosity. My insights grew from my story and the stories of the brave women who shared with me. I do not even begin to pretend that my story is typical of most women who have abortions. In fact, I am not sure what a typical story would look like. What I do know is this: The image we have of a woman who had an abortion may not be fully grounded in the facts.
The truth is that abortion is in great part a poverty issue.
Women with incomes below the federal poverty line have an unintended pregnancy rate more than five times higher—and an abortion rate six times higher—than those of women with higher incomes. (Source)
A survey of women who obtained an abortion in the United States between June 2021 and July 2022 found that almost 42 percent of women who received an abortion at that time had a family income less than 100 percent of the federal poverty level. (Source)
In a 2005 (not recent) study, 73% of women undergoing an abortion said not being able to afford a baby now was a reason for the abortion. That number rose to 81% for women below the federal poverty line. And while the abortion rate for American women declined by 8% between 2000 and 2008, among poor American women it increased by 18%. (Source)
While I was not living in poverty at the time, if the choice to keep my child had been mine to make, it would have quickly sent me there without hope or resources to continue my education, pay for child care, and feed, house, and clothe both of us. For many reasons, I did not believe I would receive support from my family. (Was that true? I can’t know, but it was my truth at the time.) I had only met one other young woman (not divorced) who was raising a child so I could not even imagine options.
Recent statistics provide a picture of a staggeringly different world.
“One in three kids — nearly 24 million kids total — lives with a single parent, mostly single moms. In fact, according to 2022 Census Bureau data, of the 10.9 million one-parent families with children under age 18, 80% were headed by a mother.” (Source)
Where can these women turn for community and support?
While I understand the reasons why I would have felt like the odd woman out as a single mother during my young adult years, this statistic tells me that our churches should now be overrun with single mothers. Yet, in conversation after conversation with single mothers, I am told that no matter how hard they try, they can never seem to feel like they belong. Not only belong but feel supported.
Mind you, these are the women who did not have abortions. Yet, they do not fit. Women with small children seldom feel they belong in the church where single does not mean with children and family predominantly means married. When they struggle, the answer is often to try harder to fit in. I hear this in story after story, including this friend’s blog: Where Are the Single Moms?
After pondering all this, I posted the following query on Facebook:
Can you share a story about how you or someone you know invested in the life of a teenager/young adult who became pregnant and faced insurmountable challenges because of it? (This can include family members or your story of how you were helped.)
The story must include the following:
Involve personal (beyond church program) involvement.
Provide tangible supports such as housing assistance, food, childcare support, babysitting/respite, job or life-skill mentoring, tuition assistance, emotional and physical support after birth (meal trains, respite, etc.), medical support (financial or walking with/giving rides if needed), encouragement and support in accessing federal/state/community assistance programs.
Integrating the young mother into family, community, or church in ways that avoid shame, have no agenda (salvation or moral correction), and provide unconditional acceptance in a community, church, or family that makes no distinction between a married mother and a single mother.
Addresses her mental health by assistance with finding and paying for professional therapy (very often, there is childhood/teen, young adult trauma or adversity in the young mother's story) and holds the father accountable for support—when it is safe to do so.
(Aside from cases of sexual abuse that must be reported, there are times when intervention/mentoring of fathers alongside accountability is essential. Does this happen?)
I know it is likely impossible that any story will check off every item, but how close can a story you share get?
I received four responses.
Two were mothers (and fathers) of young women who stepped in to provide all of these types of support.
One was a group of women in the church that wrapped around a single mother and provided many of these types of support.
One was a foster care family that not only cared for the child but also helped the mother get the help she needed to have her baby returned to her. (I know several who have done this.)
I was so grateful for these responses, and—after sending it out twice—I was equally sad that there weren't more responses. I know there are other examples, but that we have to work at finding them indicates that we can do better.
Finally, knowing the consistent stand that the Catholic church has had on abortion, I wondered what I could find on this topic on their web pages. What I read indicated that all churches struggle with this! The entire article is worth reading, but I leave you with these excerpts:
Cardinal Fernández noted that Pope Francis had addressed the issue in 2012 when he was still archbishop of Buenos Aires, Argentina.
"There are priests who do not baptize the children of single mothers because (the children) were not conceived in the sanctity of marriage. They are the hypocrites of today" . . . "They turn God's people away from salvation."
"And. . . that poor girl, who could have sent her child back to the sender but had the courage to bring him into the world, goes on pilgrimage from parish to parish to have him baptized."
"Referring to mothers who must raise their children alone," he said, Pope Francis "reminds us that in such difficult situations of need, the Church must be particularly concerned to offer understanding, comfort and acceptance, rather than imposing straightaway a set of rules that only lead people to feel judged and abandoned by the very Mother called to show them God's mercy." (Source)
Resources:
Poverty and Abortion: A Vicious Cycle (US Congress of Catholic Bishops)
What the data says about abortion in the U.S. (Pew Research Center)