McMusing: What Do Marriage and Divorce Statistics Tell Us?

Viewing marriage and divorce through a trauma lens

AI Generated: Will all this baggage impact our marriage?

This week’s introductory posts to the We Do Therapy series had a singular focus: The impact of trauma on one specific marriage—ours. While I am sure others related to some of our struggles, the intent was never to describe all marriages in which both partners are impacted by childhood trauma. Every story is different.

Yet, as I wrote the content for the week, I wondered if the impact of trauma could be seen within the statistical data about marriage and divorce. So, I took a deep dive into the statistics and related research on the topic. From that deep dive, I have chosen one source that provided an overview of the vast information on the subject.

While I provide a few guiding thoughts with the statistical information, I am well aware that as a result of my trauma-informed work, it can be easy for me to see trauma where there is none! Kind of like seeing blue cars everywhere after buying a blue car. These statistics deserve our reflection.

The following set of statistics doesn’t fit well with some of what floats around about the demise of the family. It also refutes the idea I have heard occasionally that the divorce rate goes down when couples adjust to living together before marriage.

The divorce rate has decreased from a rate of 4.0 to 2.4 since 2000.

When it comes to first marriages, only 43% are dissolved [not the 50% normally stated].

Second and third marriages actually fail at a far higher rate, though, with 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages ending in divorce.

Among those who lived together before engagement, 34% of marriages ended in divorce. By contrast, just 22% of couples who waited until after marriage or engagement to cohabitate ended up dissolving their union.

This next set of statistics provides insights into the length of marriages. Staying married for a long time doesn’t mean the marriage will not end in divorce. And the number of older women who are divorcing is worth noting because they will be financially impacted—significantly. They seldom receive the support that would be given to a widow facing similar financial distress. (Also, Yet, it appears that men will be most impacted physically.)

As people grow older, the chance of ending a marriage increases. 42% of people between ages 45 and 54 have been divorced.

Many divorced people said they were surprised their partner changed over their marriage and were [personally] unable to cope with new problems that arose over time.

The average age of people divorced in 2022 is 46 for men and 44 for women.

Women are far more likely than men to initiate divorce. In fact, nearly 7 in 10 marriage dissolutions are initiated by the female partner.

Women experienced a 45% decline in their living standards after a gray divorce [divorce at 50 or older], with living standards defined by comparing income to needs. By contrast, men experienced just a 21% decline.

The mortality rate is 1,363 per 100,000 for divorcees compared with 779 per 100,000 for married couples. Divorced men bear the brunt of this increased risk, with mortality rates of 1,772 per 100,000 compared to divorced women, with mortality rates of 1,095 per 100,000

Belonging to a faith community has often been touted as a path to strong marriages. The statistics do not back this up and the inadequacy of marriage preparation is a downside of the pressure to marry.

Evangelical Protestants divorce at a higher rate than any other religious group. While 55% of this population is married, 14% are divorced.

A lack of knowledge about what marriage entails is one of the leading contributing factors to divorce. In fact, 72% of couples reported they didn’t fully understand the commitment involved in marriage before they tied the knot.

Couples who have friends who divorce have a 75% increase in the risk of their marriage ending. Even couples with two degrees of separation from divorce still have a 33% greater risk.

The majority of my private or group conversations are with those who were impacted by childhood trauma and then lived out their lives in the church. A significant number are now divorced or contemplating divorce. The following statistics are consistent with these conversations.

75% of individuals and couples cited lack of commitment as the reason for their divorce. This was the most common cause of a marriage ending, exceeding even infidelity.

60% of couples cit[e] a partner’s unfaithfulness as a reason their union ended. Nearly a quarter of divorces—24% in total—cite domestic abuse as a cause of divorce.

When there was a final straw, infidelity was the most common issue that ultimately prompted divorce, with 24% of couples reporting this as their final straw. Domestic violence was the ultimate cause of divorce for 21% of couples, and 12% said substance abuse was the deciding issue.

While I have found the following statistic to be true on the surface, what is not evident is what is meant by “believing they did all they could.” It is possible to try very hard and miss the root causes of the problems.

When a marriage ends, there is often plenty of blame to go around. However, many people believe they did all they could to save their marriage while believing their spouse should have worked harder. In fact, just 32% of men and 33% of women believe they should have made more of an effort to prevent divorce.

When considering this, it is telling that “75% of individuals and couples cited lack of commitment as the reason for their divorce.” What does that mean exactly? Through my trauma lens, I recognize this as the inability of one partner to meet the emotional needs of the other—probably needs that no human can meet. It requires healing. The vacuum created by two people whose needs were not met as children means this cannot happen—even if attempts are made. This was Scott and I living parallel lives with those piles of luggage between us.

The Evangelical church culture—which has the highest divorce rate—does not promote the kind of vulnerability necessary for healing from the impact of childhood trauma. This is especially true for men. These communities are the most likely places to be told to leave your past behind. It doesn’t surprise me that the divorce rate is so high within church circles where the impact of trauma is diminished and those in the pews are told not to trust their emotions. As I stated in Trauma in the Pews:

“What if we are trying to solve a problem with the wrong answer?
Or what if our answer is only partially correct? Does salvation matter? Yes. Is it transforming? Often yes, but not always. What if it isn’t because people aren’t trying?
What if they’re trying but sidetracked by the wrong solution?”