Who is in the Driver's Seat?
Second post of a four-part series: Trauma in the Pews Section 2: Part III
Several year ago, there was a popular song about Jesus taking the wheel. While I understand the intent of the song, it just isn’t that simple. Embedded in the song was the real way it happens—”Help me as I choose to make changes in my life.” That is using agency—the topic for this month in the Trauma in the Pews 2.0 posts.
Over the years, as I listened to the song, I wondered how often we defer the choices we must make into the hands of leaders, churches, politicians, or social/new media. “Please just make this choice for me and then do the work to complete it!” Sometimes others do make the choice for us and then we work really hard to fulfill what they wanted us to do. I have been in that situation far too many times in my life. Why?
For good or for bad, we really are in the driver’s seat of our life—though we are influenced by others. It would behoove us to consider why we make the choices we do. It is possible to think we are making our own choices (or letting Jesus take the wheel) when in reality we are not. If our choices do not look like Jesus, then it is possible that we have handed the wheel over to a “Jesus Imposter.”
In the first post of this series (What is Agency) I shared the answers to a Facebook question about agency. Most of the responses and thoughts were shared in that post, but the following comment had such great insights, I decided to post it separately.
Agency Means Being in the Driver’s Seat[1]
My husband and I went out to dinner. Following our meal, I suggested we go to Walmart. This would mean my husband would turn right at the next intersection, but he switched to the left lane and drove us home. If I had been in the driver's seat, we would have turned right. But turning left didn’t necessarily mean we weren’t going to Walmart. There are many routes to get to Walmart, and my husband, as the driver, could choose which one to take.
Even on another road to Walmart, there might be things that could get in the way, like road construction. If so, he as the driver could choose to take the detour, go to Costco instead, or head home.
Backseat drivers can also impact the trip by saying, "I always turn here,” “Shouldn't you be in the other lane?" or "Why don't we turn right and go to Walmart instead of home?" The response to a backseat driver, whether that is an actual person or a condemning voice in your head, also has to do with agency.
What is the motivation for the choice you are making? I see three response options here, but there are probably more.
You change course because you feel you have to submit to your backseat driver's voice and demands. In this situation, you are not FULLY in the driver's seat, even though you may have been the one who changed course.
You decide to refuse to listen to the backseat driver's voice out of an attitude that says: "I'll show him/her that I can do whatever I want because, dang it *I* am in the driver's seat!!" This is a reaction more than a choice and is also not being fully in the driver's seat.
You can consider the merits of the suggestion and choose whether you will follow the suggestion, continue on your intended route, or go in a completely different direction. Here you are fully in the driver's seat.
Again, it is so easy to believe we are making our own choices (using agency) when we are actually making choices based on what others believe we should do. I spent so many years making choices that were deemed correct by spiritual leaders while knowing in my gut that it simply made no sense or even worse, was harmful to myself, my family, or others. Well intended maybe, but still harmful. (Writing Trauma in the Pews revealed how often I had done this!)
Who do you have driving around in the passenger seats of your car? How often does their influence rob you of control of the steering wheel? It happens—to all of us. Maybe we should re-think what the song was telling us. There is a better way—so I adapted the lyric of the song to reflect the use of agency.
Jesus, help me take the wheel
Give strength and wisdom to my hands
'Cause with your help I can make choices on my own
I'm letting go of the influences that sway me
So give me more chance to reflect on my choices
Help me choose the road I'm on
Oh, Jesus, help me steer the wheel in ways that look like you
[1] Thanks to Rhoni Bruhn, adapted and used with permission.
I think of how difficult it can be to believe that you have agency and that you can choose something different than what you believe you are required to do. Two thoughts come to mind. First I think of a time I felt backed into a corner by a pastor who wanted me to do something, and I believed I had no choice in the matter. So I complied. (Now that I think of it, I have a number of memories like this!) Then I think of being in court not too long ago and choosing to stand up to a judge who was not going to allow our family's victim impact statement. There was a time I would not have dreamed of standing up for myself—I would not have believed I had agency to do so.