Not Home Yet
Feeling Untethered in an Untethered World
I thought I would be home for a few days, but alas, it was not to be. We would be well on our way to getting back to life except for a word I never thought could be such a huge roadblock: Neutrophils.
What are neutrophils and what is their purpose?
Neutrophils are the most common type of white blood cell in your body. Your neutrophils are essential parts of your immune system. They actively combat infections.
Imagine your immune system as a general commanding your body’s defenses, preventing the entry of bacteria, viruses and fungi. White blood cells act as troops patrolling your bloodstream and tissues, identifying potential threats.
When an infection occurs, neutrophils are the first responders. They neutralize invading bacteria and microorganisms by trapping and ingesting them. Your body’s response to this immune activity includes redness and inflammation. While this is happening, your neutrophils start the process of repairing tissue. (Source)
The call came last week informing us that Scott has Neutropenia which means he has lower-than-normal levels of neutrophils. We have been battling this since January—before and after the transplant. It is a common side effect of anti-rejection medications and not sure why it was low before the transplant. He is on his third round of a series of shots that “encourage” the bone marrow to release white blood cells . . . and make him abjectly miserable. So no, we did not return home to the cottage today as planned.
I wish the world didn’t feel so untethered while I am feeling untethered. While we are staying in a lovely home with people who love us and are caring for us, I realize that the months that I have been away from home make me feel untethered. It is difficult to plan, difficult to write, and difficult to occupy.
I feel like the boat I am in is slipping further and further from shore. Without diminishing the difficulty of our situation, I think of so many in our world whose lives are being upended—very possibly in ways that mean they can never return home. Our world is becoming untethered in ways that will impact us for years to come.
I remember sitting on my front porch several years ago—before the pandemic—and thinking that the world seemed a bit too calm. It wasn’t but in that rather privileged moment, it felt calm. I say privileged because I could not see the poverty and racism from my view on the porch. It didn’t mean it wasn’t there. It just wasn’t knocking on my front door.
I am glad I looked beyond my front porch and listened to the many voices who are now speaking up against the harm being done to those who are the neighbors we are called to care for. It would be easier to address this through my writing if I felt tethered in my home. For now, I will leave two of those voices (both historians) that I have found valuable in helping me see beyond my front porch (where I am not currently sitting.)
Neutropenia is fairly common in the first few months post transplant. I had it. They gave me some injections and it worked.
The silliest part of the whole thing was that insurance refused to cover the injection as a drug benefit as an outpatient, but they would cover it if I was in the hospital. So they admitted me for a week. I doubt that saved any money for the insurance company.