Religious Trauma: A Woman Leader's Perspective

A seven-part series for Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month

January is Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month and while I have written extensively on this topic (see posts in the section: Religious Trauma), I have not specifically addressed the seven perspectives on religious trauma that inform my writing. That is what I hope to accomplish through this seven-part series that includes my perspectives as a child, survivor, woman leader, parent, educator, ministry leader, and trauma-informed advocate. While I sat in all six chairs at one time or another, not all share my story. I hope this series will be helpful to those who have not sat in particular chairs—and affirming to those who have.

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A Woman Leader’s Perspective on Religious Trauma

My two years as President of the Board of Directors for the Attachment & Trauma Network provided a glimpse of who I was born to be as a woman leader. In total, I served on the board for five years and was deeply honored by the privilege of serving our most vulnerable children in this way.

As the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg once stated, "Women belong in all places where decisions are being made."During those five years, I sat in those places and met many women leaders who were impacting the world for good. I also met remarkable male leaders who respected women leaders and believed the work they were doing was as important as their own.

During those years, as I began to understood what it felt like to be fully respected as a woman leader, I realized that my entire life within church contexts,* this had not occurred. My skills were respected, but few recognized the wisdom I could provide in the rooms where decisions were made—almost always by men. They sometimes listened to my advice, but never invited me into that room. It was truly their loss. It still is when it occurs.

I was raised in a denomination that, while not perfect in their treatment of women leaders, were not frightened by them. I was welcomed into leadership roles even as a teenager. Ending up in self-proclaimed fundamentalist churches was a rude awakening because I had no idea that, as a woman, there was a specific role and place for me. After several instances of job-related abusive treatment, I learned to navigate my way better. I led and served in approved ways and flew under the radar—not always successfully. It was always a compromise and eventually, I lost myself. This is often the result of how women who desire to serve in ministry are required to navigate.

My adult years were spent in two very different denominational contexts. One that ordained women and the other that did not. When I hear women advocating for ordination in those denominations, it is because it is an obvious roadblock to fully participating in ministry and what they believe to be their calling. It is also symbolic of the many other ways women are being diminished. Ordination in and of itself does not end the diminishment of women.

I chose not to pursue ordination two different times in my life when I could have done so. I said I was not “called” but the choice was more likely due to my fear of scrutiny and a propensity for being honest in ways that would have been used against me.

I now understand that being ordained would have prevented me from the healing and work I have pursued over the past ten years. This should not be true, but it is. The scrutiny to which women are subjected rarely includes the grace provided to men with skeletons in their closets. This is true inside and out of the church—it is religious trauma when it occurs in religious settings.

“When any part of an all-encompassing religious experience is used to harm or deceive it is spiritual abuse or to use the broader term—religious trauma.” (See: What is Religious Trauma?)

To use the skills that women possess without giving them equal footing and respect for the work they do—or are capable of doing—is spiritually abusive. When women’s roles are defined by their gender, it is often disguised as theology, but if this were true, women would still be asked to sit in the room where decisions are made. Denial of Ordination is a symptom—not the source of the problem—as I shared in an earlier blog: (read full blog on my website.)

There were always times when my place as a woman was clearly defined. One year the church we attended carried out a “Find Your Spiritual Gifts” campaign. I filled out the questionnaire and mapped the results on the chart. It said, my gifts were exhortation and leadership. It also said an appropriate role would be a pastor. This amused me, but at the same time, it made me realize how limited I was in using my gifts in the church. I shared the results with the church pastor and he said, “Well, you need to go find another church.”

He would have said his stand was biblical, but it was this attitude that I faced within the church during my adult life and only fully recognized when I became board president and was fully respected as a woman leader. Most men who knew me as a professor at two Bible colleges would deny any diminishment and say they respected me. The impact of patriarchy is often a bias that is not easily recognized. There were others who felt justified in their treatment of me because I did not know my place.

This bias is not always recognized by women. For women who believe their role within patriarchal structures is godly and correct, it is hard to imagine why other women would want it any other way. For those of us who desire to be the women leaders God created us to be, our outspokenness causes them discomfort. Often women leaders are attacked by other women on the basis of church teachings about the role of women. When this occurs, it is spiritually abusive.

I am grateful that the past few years have afforded me the opportunity to spread my wings and fly as the woman leader I was created to be. I had to step outside the church to accomplish this, but it has enabled me to heal and have the peace of knowing that I have been able to do what I always believed was my God-given purpose—to sit as a woman leader in the rooms where decisions are made and do my best to leave this world a better place for having been here.

To not allow women in general and women leaders specifically to live out their God-given gifts in the church is a form of spiritual abuse—the impact on women is religious trauma. Churches that fully embrace women leaders by inviting them into the rooms where decisions are made will always be better for the choice.

*Author Note: I realize the word church is inadequate to describe the incredibly diverse faith communities in the United States and around the world. If what I write in these Religious Trauma newsletters is not present in your church culture, that is a blessing that does not discount the existence of church culture which is traumatizing or re-traumatizing the wounded. I believe what I write on this topic has value for reflection even if your church culture is different.