Religious Trauma as the Fear of Confrontation
Have we been programmed to fear confrontation?
Occasionally, someone will comment on my ability to say potentially controversial things in ways that do not elicit heated responses. They are not wrong; I seldom get pushback. How do I do that? By carefully avoiding confrontation. It is a survival skill that kept me—mostly—safe during my adult life within church and church-related contexts. It feels like a natural ability, but is it?
In a recent workshop exploring artificial intelligence, the conversation turned to how the programs are designed to give non-emotional responses to queries. Here is what ChatGPT said about how church teachings influence confrontation. (Side note: It is a bit troubling that AI can do such a fantastic job answering my query—in seconds.)
Church teachings can influence people's perceptions and behaviors in various ways, including how they approach confrontation. Here's how some of the root causes of fear of confrontation might be connected to church teachings:
Past Trauma and Church Teachings: If someone experienced trauma within a religious context, such as abuse or manipulation by religious leaders or peers, it can contribute to a fear of confrontation. Church teachings that emphasize obedience, submission, and authority without question can exacerbate this fear by discouraging individuals from challenging or confronting harmful behavior within the religious community.
Fear of Rejection or Disapproval: Church teachings that emphasize conformity, strict moral codes, and fear of divine judgment can create a strong fear of rejection or disapproval. This fear may extend to confronting others within the religious community, especially if there's a perceived risk of being ostracized or judged for questioning established beliefs or practices.
Low Self-Esteem and Church Teachings: Some religious teachings may emphasize human imperfection, sinfulness, and unworthiness, which can contribute to low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem may fear confrontation because they doubt their worthiness or ability to assert themselves confidently, especially in a religious context where humility and meekness are often valued virtues.
Conflict Avoidance and Church Culture: Certain church cultures may discourage open conflict or disagreement, promoting harmony and unity at the expense of addressing issues directly. This can lead to a general culture of conflict avoidance, where individuals are hesitant to confront others or challenge the status quo for fear of disrupting the peace or being labeled as troublemakers.
Lack of Assertiveness Skills and Religious Upbringing: Religious upbringing can influence communication styles and assertiveness skills. For example, children raised in environments that prioritize obedience and deference to authority figures may struggle with assertiveness and effective confrontation skills later in life, as they may have been discouraged from questioning or challenging authority within the religious context.
Anxiety Disorders and Religious Expectations: For individuals with anxiety disorders, religious expectations and teachings can amplify fears related to confrontation. Beliefs about divine judgment, guilt, or eternal consequences for conflict or disagreement may intensify anxiety around confrontational situations, making it even more challenging to confront others or assert one's boundaries.
It's important to note that while some church teachings and cultural norms may contribute to a fear of confrontation, not all religious communities or teachings have this effect. Many religious traditions also emphasize principles of love, forgiveness, empathy, and healthy conflict resolution, which can support individuals in navigating confrontational situations with courage and compassion.
ChatGPT nailed it—without being confrontational. So I pushed the app to be more angry about this topic. It was an epic fail that ended with the following:
I can understand why you're frustrated and angry about the avoidance of confrontation in the church. It's a valid concern, and it's important to address issues that contribute to harmful dynamics or hinder constructive dialogue within any community, including religious ones.
You can read the entire thread here (I hope). ChatGPT offered some great advice in response to my questions. But when I tried to push a bit harder, this was the result:
When I asked again, I received the following response:
No, I don't experience emotions like anger or any other feelings. My purpose is to provide information, support, and engage in meaningful conversations based on the input and context I receive. However, I can understand and acknowledge emotions like anger when they are expressed by users and respond accordingly to the topics and concerns being discussed.
And then I understood. My skill at avoiding confrontation/conflict is the result of the programming embedded by abuse, church teachings, and painful interactions with those with power or authority over me. Any attempt at confronting abuse or injustice was deemed unacceptable. Confrontation was often dangerous and life-altering. This was especially true if I displayed anger.
Programming is hard to change! Especially when downloaded in religious settings. Religion defends itself by instilling the belief that confrontation is wrong (sinful). It doubles down on those who try to confront the injustice or call out the lies of the powerful. I have been there.
Fear and avoidance of confrontation bottled up my emotions. Sometimes they exploded in harmful ways but most often arrived in ways that—as a woman—were deemed overly sensitive or emotional. The entire list generated by ChatGPT feels all too familiar, but in no way expresses the impact of a culture that prevents and shames confrontation.
Without confrontation, toxicity is never addressed and abuse continues. The danger is in climbing to the other side of a fence and then either being silent or hurling angry toxicity back over the fence. Neither of these options is effective confrontation. Anne Lamott once said, “You don’t always have to chop with the sword of truth. You can point with it too.”
Every time I point, my religious programming protests. While this enables me to address topics carefully, the fear of pointing (confronting) is exhausting. Thus, I will work on deleting the programming while continuing to be doggedly determined to bring hope and not harm. Nothing ever changes without confrontation and sometimes that means that I stand in front of the bull in a red dress with my hands on my hips.