Searching for a New Normal

Why the Word Recovery Doesn't Work

Photo by Wes Hicks on Unsplash

Last Wednesday I was able to keep a therapy appointment that I had cancelled twice. It was a virtual appointment and when I looked at myself in that little square box, I knew it was me, but I felt so different that it seemed like I shouldn’t look the same. Internal changes don’t always register outwardly. Scott’s five-month health crisis that culminated in a liver transplant three weeks ago has changed me. It has changed both of us.

I don’t like the word recovery because that implies that one is going back to what existed before the crisis. Neither one of us wants that because in hindsight we realize that Scott has been impacted by a damaged liver for far longer than we knew.

In the very center of the liver, what seemed to be a thrombosis turned out to be cancer. Not even the trained radiologists or surgeons at the University of Washington Medical Center (UWMC) detected it before examining the liver after removal. (This is not usual but not uncommon either.) Fortunately, the only necessary intervention was a liver transplant. In other words, the problem of cancer was solved before they knew cancer was the problem. Every indication is that the cancer was fully contained within the liver.

In our current situation, I prefer the word discovery instead of recovery. While I know this experience has changed me, we also have no idea what life will be like for Scott now that he has received the gift of a healthy liver. Liver disease came on slowly and we (and doctors) attributed many symptoms to other causes. The one symptom that would have hinted at the liver—jaundice—was never present. All the others were:

• Unexplained weight loss

• Loss of appetite

• A general sense of feeling unwell, known as malaise

• A swollen belly, known as ascites

• Pain in the upper right belly area

• Nausea and vomiting

• Disorientation or confusion (hepatic encephalopathy)

• fatigue

• Sleepiness

• Tremors

All of these symptoms were evident for at least a year and possibly has been coming and going for years. Recovery has little meaning for us since this has been our life for so long. But discovering what having a healthy liver feels like . . . that is something worth anticipating.

Scott has always gotten the short end of fortunes in fortune cookies. We laughed about how pathetic his fortunes were. Our daughter-in-law picked us up from the clinic visit on Friday and bought us Panda Express. We shared a meal so there was only one cookie. I laughed and said, “Maybe your new liver will give you better fortunes.” To our surprise it did!

“You will soon find new adventure in life.”

That was a keeper! We hope our new normal is one where Scott can more easily enjoy life. And as he continues to discover what it feels like to be healthy, I can return to writing! It may be a slow return. I do not ever want my writing to feel like something I am obligated to do. So, these are my goals for my new normal. One by one, I will get there over the next month.

• Sundays need glimmers! I will be watching for them to share with you!

• RockWall Chronicles will be on a hiatus until I can return to the cottage at the end of July. I have plans for this day which will be paid subscriber content—starting in a week or so.

• The strength I found within myself during this crisis has me pondering a new Brave Survivor series for Tuesdays. Stay tuned!

• A project I am planning is to clear old processing from my computer and capture some of the writing I did during the healing years that is worthy of publishing. Those will show up on Wednesdays.

• I absolutely hope to continue with Green Door Antique Store on Thursdays!

• I also hope to continue with Pulpit & Pew on Fridays. Josh and I just completed the second class together and there is so much more to say on this topic!

• I will continue to speak about current issues in McMusings on Saturdays.

Thank you for all your support! I am looking forward to writing again!