Second-Guessing Beginning Therapy is Normal
#1 in the series: What I wish I had Known Before Beginning Therapy
Second-guessing the decision to begin therapy is normal and predictable. It feels like taking a flying leap. Being anxious about this step is especially true if the trauma occurred during childhood and you have distanced yourself from those experiences. Doing this was protective and enabled you to survive. Strategies your subconscious set in place to protect you as a child seldom lead to living fully as an adult. It is a wise choice to begin therapy, but it goes against basic survival strategies that have kept your story hidden. Anxiety and second-guessing are absolutely normal!
Three years after my first day of therapy, I published the following description in a blog: (You can read the original blog published in 2017 here.)
Staring at the large white Victorian house in front of me, the safety and comfort of my car seemed to wrap around my terrified body and mind like a blanket. I had memorized the instructions. “Go in the front door and up the stairs, there is a waiting room to the right where you can sit until I come to get you for your appointment.” I went over the information multiple times before taking a deep breath and stepping out of my car.
The term hypervigilant is familiar to me now, but on that day, I only knew it was necessary to look in every direction to be sure no one saw me walking up the ramp, across the porch, through the large front door, and up the staircase. Everything was as the therapist had said. I found the waiting room and sat as far away from the door as possible. My heart pounded every time I heard a door open. Thankfully, no other clients came into the waiting room. It probably would have caused a complete collapse.
Even ten years later, I remember the anxiety well! I recently came across this picture of that stairway. I always felt as though Einstein was encouraging me as I climbed the stairs. It is ironic that his picture was hanging there since my father had called me a genius since I was small. Week after week, month after month, Einstein encouraged me as I climbed those stairs to receive the care I had desperately needed since childhood.
My anxiety and second-guessing were normal. It still crops up down and then. How could going into an office and telling a stranger about the most shame-inducing parts of my life possibly be a good idea? If I could go back ten years and sit with my younger self in that car, I would tell her, “This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done, but it will be worth it. It is a good choice.”
In conversations with those who are considering beginning therapy I hear many reasons for delaying. Finding a therapist is often a challenge. There are financial concerns. A common fear is this: “If I open up the wound, will I be able to contain it so I can function?” This is a valid concern and one that I was not very prepared to face. I could have been more prepared for this!
Thus, the next newsletter in this series of What I Wish I Had Known Before Beginning Therapy will be....#2: How to Prepare Yourself Before Beginning Therapy.