Self Control is not the same as Self Regulation
#4 in the series: What I wish I had Known Before Beginning Therapy
I was a control freak. This is not a badge of honor. Trying to control everything and everyone around us is not high on the list for cultivating healthy relationships. I did this to some degree, but what was most unhealthy was the fact that I was a self-control freak.
Don’t get me wrong, not controlling our emotions can have disastrous results. There is so much tragedy in our world as a result of uncontrolled emotions. Uncontrollable emotions are often at the root of the problems that leads us to seek therapy. It sometimes shows up externally, but most often it is internal in the form of anxiety.
What I did not understand when I walked into therapy was that I was controlling my wildly erratic emotions. That was part of the problem. Control was only a way to put a lid on a boiling pot—it did not turn the temperature down so the pot could stop boiling.
What happens when you try to hold a lid on a boiling pot? When the pressure builds, the liquid will boil over. Control doesn’t work in the long haul. You can learn how to lower the heat—that is self-regulation. I was a self-control freak with no concept of self-regulation.
Self-soothing is also different from self-regulation. It is something you do that temporarily lowers the heat. There are many ways to self-soothe—when done in small doses, they do help (shopping, playing a computer game, reading, etc.). These are temporary fixes. When we depend on them completely, that is the root of addiction. It isn’t a moral problem, it is a self-regulation problem. Kind of like not turning the heat down far enough or long enough.
So, what is self-regulation and how is it different? To fully understand we need to pause and discuss the attachment that occurs during the early months and years of life. In this relationship, the primary caregiver—usually the mother—is the child’s co-regulator. In the mother’s gaze, the cuddling, the soothing voice, the playfulness, the child’s brain begins to understand what it feels like to be regulated—and they eventually figure out how to do this for themselves. This is self-regulation.
The predominant teachings about parenting over the previous century discouraged parents from doing what the child needed to learn self-regulation skills. These were good parents trying to do the right things and not coddle their children. Abuse takes this to a whole new level. There are reasons why the anxiety levels are so high—that is the boiling pot.
The good news is that you are the adult now and self-regulation skills can be learned. The last two newsletters covered two ways—breathing and grounding. The best way to cultivate self-regulation is through relationships. Even as adults, we can co-regulate with one another. The safest place to experiment with this is in a therapeutic relationship. A therapist must be a good fit for this very reason—another thing I wish I had known (more on this in another newsletter).
There is so much more to say about this, but for now, recognizing the difference between self-control, self-soothing, and self-regulation is a great start. I had no idea that my self-control strategies (often emphasized in my faith background) were going to be ineffective when I began the hard work of healing.
Resources:
My good friend, Ginger Healy, is my go-to resource for understanding co and self-regulation. Her books are a wealth of information—a must-have resource for teachers, and perfect for everyone who is learning about developing self-regulation skills. Check them out! Listen to Ginger talk about her newest book!
15-Minute Focus: Regulation and Co-Regulation: Accessible Neuroscience and Connection Strategies That Bring Calm Into the Classroom: Brief Counseling
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Regulation and Co-Regulation Workbook: Accessible Neuroscience and Connection Strategies for the Classroom and Beyond
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Note: All information and resources presented in these newsletters are drawn from my personal story and do not replace professional psychological care for mental health issues. My legal and ethical advice is always to seek professional help.