Setting Boundaries Around Your Story

Possibly a Series on Helpful Things Therapists Say

I am aware that I may appear to ignore the following advice given by my therapists.

"You don’t have to share your truth with everyone." – Not everyone deserves access to your personal experiences, and it’s okay to set boundaries.

As the years go by, my apparent disregard for this advice becomes increasingly true—but I would not suggest doing what I do to anyone. Maybe I need to say this because I am very aware that how I share my story inspires others to do likewise.

Last week, I was asked how I began to tell my story. The person who asked had shared with very few people. It was a great question because the first attempts at sharing require strong protective boundaries.

This is the sequence I followed during the first two years of therapy:

• I began to tell my story to my therapist.

• As therapy progressed, I shared with my husband and only enough with my adult children for them to understand my obvious struggles.

• I shared with a few close friends who had earned my trust over the years and were either trauma-informed or receptive to learning how best to support me.

I told no one at work or church during this time and retired at the end of the first year of therapy.

• I began to expand my sharing to another layer of friends I believed could be trusted to believe my story and embrace me with compassion. I chose well and they were supportive.

• I would not repeat my next choice: When I began to share with ministry leaders at church or those who had been colleagues, they were ill-equipped to respond in helpful ways. My decision to eventually publish Trauma in the Pews grew from this uncomfortable time that caused unintentional harm. “We can do better when we know better.”

• During my third year of therapy*, I began compiling my process writings into a book that eventually was published as Brave: A Personal Story of Healing Childhood Trauma. The chapters became part of my therapy sessions.

• At this point, I felt that I was still hiding and I no longer wanted to hide. My therapist helped me to decide what I would and would not share publicly or in the book. I began to blog. At that time probably my ten closest friends read my blogs but it was a huge step. If I had it to do over, I would have started here on Substack, but those blogs are still there. I began with A Line of Sorts in the Sand and followed that blog with a few trauma-informed pieces and then posted the following:

  • Writing My Own Ending to My Story

  • Dance With Me

  • I Went to Therapy

• I began talking about my upcoming book in the last blog. Brave was only a partial telling of my story—I had tight boundaries around what I shared and was certain that the trauma had been thoroughly processed before it was shared.

• There were many layers that had not yet surfaced and thus had not been processed. This was especially true for the religious trauma elements of my story. Once my work as an advocate for those who experienced religious trauma took off with the publication of Trauma in the Pews, it was clear to me that I had not been as thorough!

I hope this sharing of the process is helpful to any who are considering sharing their story in public ways. I received many questions about this topic and needed a resource to share. While I have shared far more than I ever expected I could or would in those early days, I would advise great caution.

I also learned it is important to not continually rehash my story once processed. The various parts of my story are like small books on a shelf that I only take down when useful in writing or helping others. I add my writing as a new chapter before the book returns to the shelf.

Sometimes readers send messages about how difficult it must be to write about the trauma I experienced. It isn’t. When I write, the emotions of a past experience or the processing are important but no longer dysregulating. Sometimes a memory will surface as I write and raw processing shows up as I type. I recognize this and edit or remove it before publication. Sometimes I set it aside because I know I am not ready to share. Newly processed memories require boundaries!

It takes a great deal of processing and healing to share so openly. I am willing to do that deep work because I understand that my writing resonates with many who have been harmed. It may seem like I share about everything—but that is far from true! What I have shared is probably only half of the story. I also have strong boundaries around what I share and watch myself closely when processing recently surfacing memories. Oversharing is easy at those times.

I remind myself often: Not everyone deserves access to your personal experiences, and it’s okay to set boundaries. Never allow yourself to be pressured into sharing—especially in group settings. You get to choose.

Set boundaries before you need them!

Resources

• Strategies for Writing about Personal Trauma (Berry Powell Press: Real Authors in Real Time Podcast)

• How to Write a Non-Fiction Follow-up Book or Series (Berry Powell Press: Real Authors in Real Time Podcast)

• Attachment & Trauma Network (ATN) blog: Brave: What I Chose to Tell

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Author’s Note: For the first three years of my healing process, I had the rare opportunity to fully dedicate my life to healing. Sometimes offering a timeline like this sets up false expectations. I am aware of how blessed I was with the time, the simple life in our RV, and the dedication of a therapist who was beginning to slow down her practice as she approached retirement. I still had far to go when Brave was published! Ten years (some with other therapists) is far more realistic for the complexity of my coping strategies and layers of my story.