Spiritual Practices: Using the Pause for [Healthy] Submission

Viewing and practicing submission through a trauma-sensitive lens in which everyone holds equal power.

What is the purpose of the Spiritual Practice of Submission?

The spiritual practice of submission is based on relationally safe submission to another. This kind of submission involves each person being of equal value and holding equal respect for the other—the willingness to submit to one another. 

How can trauma impact the Spiritual Practice of Submission?

The Impact of Coercive Submission: If you suffered abuse as a powerless child, submission might be a triggering word. Of all the practices, submission is the one I have worked most diligently to reframe for survivors. It is the most incorrectly interpreted and abusively used practice on the list. If you have experienced religious trauma, please know this: What I am saying here will feel very different—and empowering. 

Inability to Set Boundaries: Giving up control to someone else goes against every survival instinct and doing this is not the purpose of submission. As a child, you may have felt like you never had control over any part of your life. This prevented you from learning how to set boundaries—and your attempts to do so may have been punished.

The Impact on the Sense of Self: Connected to boundaries is your sense of self. Do you know where you end, and the other person begins? Do you know that you are not responsible for another person’s happiness? Do you feel comfortable making choices others might disagree with? To remain safe as a child, you may have needed to become what others told or expected you to be.

The Need to Belong: One of our most important survival instincts is our need to belong. Humans are some of the most vulnerable of all created beings. Left without those who would help care for us, we will not last very long. Belonging is essential—and if you felt in danger of not belonging as a child, chances are, you work very hard to be sure you belong somewhere as an adult—maybe in the church. You should not have to hide who you are or become someone you are expected to be to belong. 

Over-Reliance on God: Many church teachings emphasize God as being in control and our need to constantly look for and submit to the will of God. Realizing that God is uncontrolling and desires to walk in a relationship in which you make choices can be both frightening and empowering.

How can finding the pause button make the Spiritual Practice of Submission accessible?