The Day My Life Became an Object Lesson

Ministry: What Do We Do When We Can't Do it Anymore?

I was scheduled to speak at the Small Church Summit: Women’s Ministry for Small Churches this morning. Every other version of me except the one that now walks around in my exhausted body would have somehow figured out a way to show up. That is what I have been doing since abuse at the age of three launched me into life as a very determined survivor. That means I have been showing up out of pure determination for sixty-eight years.

My husband ended up in the ER for the fourth time last night with what can only be described as life-shattering nausea. We had been home a week after a two-week stay in the hospital. They think they understand the problem (explained here), but the world we live in doesn’t do the necessary treatments without rounds of appointments and much more suffering. Twice this week that suffering has been because of the medications. We got home at 4:30 am and crawled into bed for four hours of sleep before we needed to begin a new medication plan.

Again, every other version of me still would have shown up. Instead, I chose self-care, and became an object lesson for my presentation topic: Ministry: What Do We Do When We Can't Do It Anymore?

My friend Kristin Humiston (The Ministry Wife Coach) was ready to talk me through the presentation in an interview format. I am sure there would have been moments of friendship and laughter!

I am positive that my friend, Laurie Graham, Founder and Creator, at Small Church Ministry, managed my no-show gracefully and efficiently. I am grateful to have friends to support me when “I can’t do it.” What I planned to share was filled with the lessons I have learned along the way and I hope it will encourage others as they face the challenges inherent in serving others.

Side Note: I also spoke at the Broken to Beloved Annual Summit today. I am thankful the presentation was pre-recorded or it would have surely met the same fate!

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Ministry: What Do We Do When We Can't Do it Anymore?

What if my body is telling me I can’t do this fantastic ministry, project, job, or volunteer service anymore? Sometimes, the overwhelm comes in small doses, and sometimes, it arrives all at once. It almost always feels like a spiritual problem, but that is rarely the case. There are other reasons, and it probably isn’t just being tired. This session will discuss ways to determine the cause and suggest possible paths forward.

When I began thinking about this topic, I was struggling with the death of a friend who had recently died by suicide. That is the worst-case scenario for “I can’t do this anymore” though there was much more involved than simply being overwhelmed. I knew few other humans who had accomplished so much and worked so hard to care for others. The obituary was bigger than life and I suddenly realized mine would be also. And there were moments when I knew I had built a life so big and grand that I had no idea how to set any of it down and I was not convinced I could do it anymore.

While this situation was different from other times in my life, it still felt very much like times I had started ministries or volunteered to do a job in the church and what began as joyful became jarringly difficult. When I tried to find a way to quit, all the internal critics showed up to stop me

1. People are depending in you

2. If you don’t do this who will?

3. You should finish what you start.

4. If you pray for strength God will help you continue.

5. If God called you to do this He will make a way.

After I began speaking after my healing journey from Childhood trauma, I added a few more to the list.

1. Your voice is too important to step back

2. Will stepping back reflect on the value of healing?

3. You have gained so much wisdom that needs to be shared with others.

In my defense, all of these things were said to me in one way or another. I wasn’t just imagining them. We struggle to allow others to step back as much as we struggle to step back ourselves.

I also felt that I had so much to pay forward, especially because of those who had supported me and helped me heal. And finally, I enjoyed the life and work I had built—but my body did not.

And that is the point. I had to accept that healing (or spirituality) was never going to change the fact that my body had been running in high gear since I was a child. Everything I was doing took an additional toll on my nervous system. Yes, I could do anything (what most people saw) but on the backside of what I did were days of recovery.

As long as I believed that if I didn’t do what I was doing, no one else could do it, I was causing more harm to my body. I would need to choose to set it all down or my body was going to decide to do that for me.

One day, I realized that the most important legacy I could leave the women in my world would be to show them how to set it all down. I began focusing on supporting others, stepping out of the limelight, and doing what I loved most—writing.

Today was my last scheduled speaking engagement. My husband is having serious health concerns and I understand why God has worked as hard to help me set it all down—just as he helped me begin to pick it all up six years ago. At seventy-one it is easier for me to understand that what I did was for a season than most who are reading this who are younger. It doesn’t mean that what I do from here on is not just as important as what I have already done, but it will be different and that is OK.

How much better if we can listen to our bodies, know when we have reached the end of a season, and not listen to the voices in our head and those of others who love the work that we do. We are programmed to influence others in their spiritual walk by doing—but sometimes we are most influential when we gracefully set the work down.

Anything we do believing we are the only one who can do it results in the following:

1. Someone who could pick it up never gets the opportunity (mentor those who will take your place)

2. We live in a scarcity mindset believing there aren’t enough people, resources, or time to do what needs to be done. This traps us into doing many things that maybe don’t even need doing.

3. We equate spirituality with doing and send the message to those who can no longer “do” that their usefulness is over.

4. We often continue to do things that are no longer effective but have become part of who we are—our identity.

Everything on that list has been a hard lesson for me to learn. My word for this year is contentment. I had no idea my husband would fall so ill when I chose it. His illness has narrowed my life in ways I could not have anticipated. And oddly, while my body is weary from caregiving, my nervous system thanks me every day for setting everything down. We equate obedience to God with what we do to serve. Sometimes obedience calls us to step back.