The Gift of Confidence

The Gifts Healing Brings to Ourselves and the World

Photo by coco tafoya on Unsplash

The Gift of Confidence

See the note at the end for an explanation of this series!

To maintain the ability to stay fully present in a situation and effectively
handle or repair anything that happens.
To have internalized the growth that comes from healing previous traumas and failures
To understand that life and learning includes making mistakes
—IFS Source—

There is no one more confident than a well-nurtured child. When children begin to say, “I can do that all by myself,” they are on their way to becoming who they were born to be. It is a remarkable part of development because when they begin to say this, they are still very much dependent on the adults in their lives. It isn’t what they can do that matters; it is what they believe about themselves. This is confidence and yes it is another birthright. We were born to be confident.

One of the worst impacts of trauma is the internalization of false beliefs about ourselves. The feelings of helplessness inherent in toxic or abusive childhood experiences arrive in adulthood as powerlessness, loss of agency, diminishment of self, and imposter syndrome, to name a few. All these impacts thrive in the petri dish of shame that robs us of our dreams. The gift of confidence barely registers.

While I do not have many regrets and am thankful for all I accomplished before walking into therapy, there were two ways in particular that my lack of confidence impacted me.

• I did not pursue writing even though I received many encouraging words about my writing during my academic career. Not publishing a book until I was 65 was entirely due to the fact that I could not believe that I had the capacity to be an author.

• I did not seek publication for my doctoral thesis research even though it was an important contribution to the topic and I was encouraged to do so by my committee. Once again, I lacked confidence in my work.

I realized along the way (clarity) that religious teachings caused me to confuse the gift of confidence with the “sin of pride.” This does not seem to be taught as strongly for men as it is for women (more clarity). A confident woman isn’t always appreciated and It took some work for me to embrace my success over the past ten years.

When I read the description of confidence included at the beginning of this article, I knew that yes, I had done the hard work of healing that was required to say, “I did this!” I also can humbly say that I don’t always get it right; I do make mistakes.

For instance, sometimes the erosion of the gift of confidence is so subtle that it is hardly recognizable. Four years ago I was honored by Tabor College with the title of Distinguished Visiting Professor. I joked about not being very distinguished until a friend said, “You need to accept the honor you have been given.” Ouch. That would require me to set aside imposter syndrome and accept that this was an honor I deserved. To believe one deserves honor is confidence.

To accomplish this task, I needed to return to my childhood and find the young me who had no problem holding up a piece of magnificent artwork and telling my teacher, “Look what I did!” The grown-up me needs to remember that I was born with the gift of confidence. What I have accomplished really is amazing.

Photo by Jerry Wang on Unsplash

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As I healed, I was surprised to find that deep inside of me was a remarkable human being. Shame and religion had taught me something entirely different. It taught me that I was unworthy, flawed, and some would say, wicked. When introduced to the “8 Cs of Self Leadership”—a core concept of Internal Family Systems (IFS)—I recognized a me that had always been there but often got buried underneath layers of pain and trauma-based coping strategies. Un-layering this me was a gift I gave to myself and it has enabled me to give hope to others. For the eight days leading up to and including Christmas, I will be writing about each of these gifts that I treasure every day: Calmness, Clarity, Curiosity, Compassion, Confidence, Courage, Creativity, and Connectedness. These gifts, handed to us at birth, were intended to be opened in safe, nurturing childhoods but it is never too late to open the gift.