The Gift of Connectedness
The Gifts Healing Brings to Ourselves and the World
The Gift of Connectedness
See the note at the end for an explanation of this series!
The state of feeling a part of a larger entity
such as a partnership, team, community, or organization.
To be able to relax your defenses with others
as you know that you won't be judged or controlled.
To have companionship and/or spirituality that helps one deal with reality
in a way that transcends circumstances.
—IFS Source—
To those who celebrate Christmas, I wish you a Merry Christmas!
Today is a day that either displays connectedness or a lack thereof. It is possible to be alone and still feel connected to others and also to be in a group and feel disconnected. While I hope all my readers feel a sense of connectedness today, I am sure that is not the case for everyone. Healing makes this easier, but it doesn’t solve the problem that we were born for connectedness and it is painful when it doesn’t exist.
In a perfect world, we would receive the gift of connectedness at birth and it would continue throughout life. It is our birthright. For those of us who are so blessed or who have found our way to connectedness, this gift is the most important thing we could ever offer to another human being.
Those who need connectedness the very most are often the ones who struggle most to accept it. Relational betrayal destroys the trust that is necessary to be in connected relationships. Often those who have learned not to trust are not aware that their trauma often sabotages what they need most—connectedness. Compassion helps us to understand this.
It requires every gift shared in this series—Calmness, Clarity, Curiosity, Compassion, Confidence, Courage, Creativity—to reach a place where you are able to recognize and trust relationships in which you can “relax your defenses with others as you know that you won't be judged or controlled.” This is not true of all relationships! Sometimes the clarity we gain requires us to set boundaries that cause us to feel disconnected on holidays. You have been courageous and it is still normal to be sad.
For those who have experienced religious trauma and lost connectedness with a faith community that had been this essential support, there can be a vast array of emotions on this day. My hope is that you have found new forms of connectedness even as you mourn the loss. It takes courage to find a new village, but it is possible.
Finally, to those who are blessed with abundant connectedness today, I celebrate this with you. It is how it was meant to be. The gift of connectedness is our birthright. Maybe your village is your family or a faith community. Or possibly, friends or neighbors. However the connectedness finds you, celebrate! I will have all of my family here for Christmas morning and that is a blessing I do not take for granted.
For each of these posts, I searched for two pictures--one of a gift and the other of children. A picture really can be worth a thousand words. In my search for the other days, I came across this little threesome several times. What I love about this picture is not just their smiles and hugs; it is the authenticity of being themselves—not perfectly dressed for picture day. Their connectedness is as natural as it should be in any relationship. We show up exactly as we are—and we are loved. That is the gift of connectedness that we all deserve.
As I healed, I was surprised to find that deep inside of me was a remarkable human being. Shame and religion had taught me something entirely different. It taught me that I was unworthy, flawed, and some would say, wicked. When introduced to the “8 Cs of Self Leadership”—a core concept of Internal Family Systems (IFS)—I recognized a me that had always been there but often got buried underneath layers of pain and trauma-based coping strategies. Un-layering this me was a gift I gave to myself and it has enabled me to give hope to others. For the eight days leading up to and including Christmas, I will be writing about each of these gifts that I treasure every day: Calmness, Clarity, Curiosity, Compassion, Confidence, Courage, Creativity, and Connectedness. These gifts, handed to us at birth, were intended to be opened in safe, nurturing childhoods but it is never too late to open the gift.