The Thing Probably Isn’t the Thing
#15 in the series: What I Wish I had Known Before Beginning Therapy
What I wish I had known before beginning therapy is that survivors walk through the doorway with whatever is most comfortable—maybe, comfortably uncomfortable. It is almost always about a symptom or a current life problem. The thing probably isn’t the thing.
My reason for walking into therapy was that I was trying to decide whether to sign a faculty contract for the following year at the college where I had been teaching for over ten years. If you have followed me for long, you understand that was the least of my problems, but it certainly felt like the cause of my overwhelming anxiety. The thing I walked in the door saying really wasn’t the thing.
Survivors of childhood trauma generally go to therapy to address a symptom, not a root cause. I asked two AI apps (ChatGPT and Perplexity) the following question: What are the top three reasons people seek the help of a psychotherapist? Based on eight different sources, the answers are summarized below.
Before you read the list, consider the difference between a cause and a symptom. If you have a tumor growing inside of you, it is possible to have many symptoms. You may be nauseous or have pain. Depending on the location it can impair body functions. These are all symptoms. The cause is the tumor.
Back to the list of reasons: *
(This analysis is based on my personal story and what I have learned from the research on the impact of childhood trauma by prominent trauma researchers such as Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, Dr. Bruce Perry, Dr. Gabor Mate, and Dr. Peter Levine.)
Both Perplexity and ChatGPT listed anxiety/stress, depression, and relationship issues. All are symptoms.
Then I asked for two more. Perplexity listed grief/loss and addictions. One is a cause; the other is a symptom.
ChatGPT listed trauma/PTSD and personal growth/self-explorations. One is a cause/symptom and the other is definitely not a cause, and may likely be a symptom expressed in one article as—”You feel like you need a little help.”
Perplexity listed trauma/PTSD and life transitions. The first is a cause/symptom; the other is a cause.
Ten years later, it amuses both my original therapist and me that I did mention some very traumatic experiences, but brushed them aside as almost irrelevant and said, “I just need a little help deciding about that contract.” It would have saved me a lot of sessions if I had been able to walk in and state the cause of the problem—but that is hardly ever how it works. It is okay to walk in with what you can comfortably say.
What is most important is walking through the door. If you could have figured out the causes of your struggles (symptoms), you would have done so on your own. The truth is that all of us sometimes “need a little help.” There is no shame in this.
It could be that you know the cause and need help reframing or healing the memory. In my case, I had buried the root causes (trauma and relational betrayal) very deeply in my subconscious. That required more than a little help—no shame in this either.
I walked in the door with what I could share and that was the very best choice. I understand now that if I had been consciously aware of the entire story from the beginning of therapy, it would have completely overwhelmed my capacity to cope. Healing comes in small doses; it is safer that way.
I wish I had understood something—anything—about what would occur in therapy. Most therapists use several different approaches in their practice. Both managing symptoms and healing root causes have important purposes in therapy. In upcoming weeks, I will explore some of these approaches. The less mysterious the process seems, the more likely it is that you will feel comfortable enough to walk in the door with the thing that really is the thing.
*This analysis is based on my personal story and the stories shared by survivors along with what I have learned from the research on the impact of childhood trauma by prominent trauma researchers such as Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, Dr. Bruce Perry, Dr. Gabor Mate, and Dr. Peter Levine.
Note: All information and resources presented in these newsletters are drawn from my personal story and do not replace professional psychological care for mental health issues. My legal and ethical advice is always to seek professional help.