Maybe this one shouldn’t go on the list of things I Wish I had Known Before Beginning Therapy. I recall asking my therapist how long—how many sessions—she thought would be necessary for me to heal. It is unlikely that I was the only one who ever asked that question!
It is human to want an end date. No one is comfortable with a never-ending story. I now realize how extensive my trauma was and that healing really would be a never-ending story—but not one that would continue to be as difficult as the beginning or most intense sessions of therapy.
I am almost up to the ten-year anniversary of walking into a therapy office for the first time. I had no concept of the time it would take to heal, not knowing wasn’t a bad thing. It would have been enough just to understand it would take time. There have been phases of intensive work, breaks/plateaus, and four different therapists (due to moving, retirement, and other circumstances). Each phase and therapist has played an essential role in my healing, and took time.
I spent way too much effort looking for the magic wand that would end the need for therapy! This was for two reasons. First, because of my need for an ending and a second, my misconception about what healing would look and feel like. I had no idea that healing meant I would develop the necessary self-regulation skills to move through the natural emotions of being human. This was not on my radar and why I devote so much of my time to helping others as they begin healing. (
My desire to rid myself of my emotions is vividly displayed in BRAVE!
Our need for an endpoint is influenced by drive-through culture. Mine was also the result of my ability to quickly accomplish tasks. For example, completing the research and writing my dissertation in three months. I was in terrible health when finished but my ability to set a goal to accomplish something in a ridiculously short amount of time—and then accomplish it—did not prepare me well for the time required for healing.
My get-er-done tendencies resulted in showing up for many sessions with the plan that I was “done.” I began to realize this was often precipitated by what Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy calls a protector. It usually happened when sensing that there were other memories that needed processing. A lifetime of avoiding pain creates many protective strategies!
My therapist—taking my lead—would indicate that I could call if I needed to schedule another session. Yes, I would need more assistance and it was so hard to call for help! I wish I had understood how natural it was to long for an ending and how often that longing tried to end therapy at points where I most needed it.
“How long will this take?” It will take as long as it needs to take.
Remember, you didn’t get to this place in a day,
healing is worth it, and it is going to take some time!
Side Note: if you are paying for therapy with insurance, the insurance company will often set limits. Sadly, healing then becomes a financial decision. It is important to pursue many paths that promote healing. What those paths might be seems like a good place to head next week!
Note: All information and resources presented in these newsletters are drawn from my personal story and do not replace professional psychological care for mental health issues. My legal and ethical advice is always to seek professional help.