Those Who Love Me

Watching and Listening Intently for the God Glimmers in Times of Stress

I wasn’t sure what I would post in this Sunday slot but my hospital reflection reminded me of how well God cares for me in ways I do not expect. It is never a big monumental thing and could be easily missed if I wasn’t paying attention. I never doubt but that it is God giving me a glimmer of hope.

Photo by Ryan 'O' Niel on Unsplash

One of the tragic impacts of trauma—specifically relational trauma—is the deep-seated belief that if people truly knew me, knew my story, and knew what existed deep inside of me, they would walk away from me. I understand this, even though I have never lacked in having friends—an abundance of them. This feeling isn’t logical and you can merely think your way out of it. It simply exists deep inside—within a child who was betrayed again, and again.

I remember my therapist asking me if I understood how many people loved me. She had worked with many who were truly alone without love and support and was surprised at my vast array of friendships. I explained that yes, I was well-liked and had many friends, but they didn’t really know me. They didn’t know the "me" who sat on the therapy couch gasping for air through the tears with messy piles of tissues beside me. But she did, and though I tried to convince myself that it was because I paid her to be my therapist, she was determined to prove that idea wrong.

I slowly came to understand that it wasn’t that people didn’t love me; it was that I was too afraid to allow that love to get behind the wall that protected a very wounded child, teen, and young adult. The fear of believing I was loved and subsequently betrayed was there for very legitimate reasons. It took a long time to accept that embracing the love of others had the potential of being hurt, but it was worth taking that chance.

But first I had to be sure that no one loved me because they didn’t know my story. So, I published Brave and then three more books and then I wrote more here on Substack. With every podcast and every article, I shared more of myself and the wall became porous enough to feel how much I was loved. This was especially demonstrated through the outpouring of love and care during Scott’s health crisis.

As I write this, I would answer Dr. Sue’s question very differently. I do know how much I am loved and how many friends I have added because I decided to stop hiding. What a beautiful thing it is to embrace the truth that I am loved, exactly as I am. My life is rich because of these wonderful friends—and so many more!

This is merely a sampling of those who love me—maybe you will find yourself! I enjoyed scrolling through the pictures!