Was Today Sunday?

A Rambling Reflection About Days that Blend Together.

I don’t know how it is May already, and yet, the past four months have been a very long year. For every difficult moment, there is an equally encouraging one. It is a huge roller coaster that I did not ask to ride, but I am determined to hang on.

I really hate roller coasters by the way. I used to ride them because I was a teenager and was supposed to love them. I did not. It was the unexpected jerks when it would change directions and then plunge to what felt like a certain death. My life often felt like that; it wasn’t fun. But I digress.

What I want to convey is the randomness of my life. Maybe a bullet point approach will give it some needed structure. Maybe.

• This was my view as I settled in to try to sleep last night. It felt rather normal to be sleeping in the same room again. The couch bed was two levels above sleeping on the floor but only one level above the cot I slept on during another overnight stay. My hips voiced many complaints during the night.

• The doctors all have good reports about Scott’s liver and kidneys. The PA said he is one of their best patients. He is trying so hard to do all the things—walk, exercise, eat, drink protein/nutrition drinks, swallow pills . . . The most difficult things right now are post-surgery complications from medications etc. Today was rough. The staff is kind.

• I miss my cottage and our friends come up with hopes to visit Scott but that didn’t work out. Still, they brought me my pillow—a trusted friend I left behind. They also brought flowers from the cottage along with several other miscellaneous things. The hug was probably what I needed most.

• Thankfully technology allowed us to keep up with family today. While somewhat interrupted by medical staff and medical concerns, we watched our son preach —you can watch the sermon here.

• And our grandson performed a concerto in the Pacific Lutheran University Wind Ensemble Concert. He is first up—you can watch it here. It is worth taking a moment to listen!

• There were conversations with nurses, relatives who dropped by, and the steady stream of doctors, physician assistants, and technicians. I find myself worrying about so much that we will face when we leave the hospital and have to stop and remind myself about how far I have come on this journey that seemed completely impossible three months ago.

• Tomorrow is a training day—an hours-long training on medications and care. My brain hurts at the very thought. Another hurdle. You know the hurdle races? That is me but today I was so tired I didn’t pick my feet up and almost landed face-first in the hospital lobby. I had a stern conversation with my feet after that close call.

• I am still grading the final papers for the classes I just finished teaching. Every paper reminds me that my choices to help others better understand the impact of trauma have not been in vain. Sadly, much that is happening in our country is adding additional layers of trauma and removing resources from those who need it most. My hope lies in the vast network of people working to become trauma-informed at a level that will help them change their worlds. I tell my students that they are like a small rudder that has the power to turn a massive ship.

• Finally, there was a seasoned nurse who took me under her wing today. This is a transplant surgery floor and there are patients, and then there are primary caregivers. She said, “You write about and study trauma and need to remember that what you are living through is traumatic.”

She was not wrong and I feel the impact of this on me every day. That is the good news—I understand my trauma responses and how to help myself. I saved Scott’s life, and now my greatest challenge is not to lose mine.

Scott and I both need to get through this in the healthiest way possible. That means that I cannot give in to the isolation that calls to me like the unhealthiest of old friends.

I will keep writing because writing is the air that I breathe! And those who follow and support me during this difficult season are the air under my wings. Thank you.