We Do Therapy: It Wasn't about the Toilet Paper

Therapy Lesson #7: Distinguishing Between Arguments and Trigger Wars

In the introductory posts to this weekly, We Do Therapy series (available to paid subscribers). Scott and I shared both the struggles and triumphs of two young adults who believed they had found someone who would care for them. Our intent in the initial posts and this series of Therapy Lessons is not to offer marriage advice. We are not licensed therapists. We are survivors who hope that what we share about our journey together will help others to be curious about how trauma might be impacting their marriage. Hopefully, far sooner than we did! (Please read the statement at the end of this post.)

AI Generated Image: “Who get to choose the toilet paper?”

Therapy Lesson #7: Distinguishing Between Arguments and Trigger Wars

I was twenty-five and Scott was twenty-two. We had just decided to get married and were standing in the living room of my apartment glaring at each other. I could feel my anger mounting and this is what exploded out of my mouth:

“You are not going to tell me what kind of toilet paper to buy!”

Scott was equally adamant when he said, “The toilet paper you use is expensive. We will not be able to afford it.”

In hindsight, this—our first legitimate argument—had nothing to do with toilet paper, it had to do with control. If there was one thing two survivors of childhood abuse did not want, it was to be controlled.

Forty-five years later, we buy our toilet paper in bulk at Costco. The quality is acceptable for me and the cost is acceptable for Scott. It was never actually about toilet paper. Now, toilet paper has become a symbol for arguments that seem trivial in hindsight but were not trivial at the time. Now we also understand that they were more than likely, not an argument at all, but a trigger war.

What is the difference? It is easy to have arguments about likes and dislikes, preferences, and opinions. These situations can be emotional—we can believe things strongly and not always be open to different perspectives. This is normal. When this happens to us, we have several options:

1. Bring evidence to validate our point while listening to other viewpoints.

2. Realize the other person may have a point and admit it.

3. Agree to disagree and come to an acceptable compromise.

Doesn’t that feel calm? I want to ask, “In what world does a disagreement look that calm?” Is it possible to discuss and not escalate into an argument? Yes, if no one is triggered. If not, you end up with a trigger war.

What is a trigger?

In his book, Beyond Fairy Tales Karris stated, “A trigger is any behavior, word, sound, image, event, or situation that ignites a jolt of energy in your body, causing an immediate emotional reaction.” He goes on to say that,

“Triggers happen very quickly and are largely beyond our initial control. This is because they activate the older part of our brain, the limbic system, which is closely linked to our visceral emotional responses, rather than the rational command and control center known as the prefrontal cortex.”

Note that Karris said, “Largely beyond our initial control?” That is an important point. To keep from ending up in a trigger war, someone has to recognize what is happening and refuse to engage. Many professional fields depend on this ability to de-escalate situations. It is not a skill that most couples who have experienced trauma have in their toolbox. Scott and I certainly did not.

While keeping myself from quoting the entire book (buy this book!), I will add one more quote. Karris continues:

Given this neurobiological reality, despite the often-heard statement, “No one can make you feel a certain way,” that is simply not the case. It’s like saying that no one can make you catch a cold. That is plainly not true. Just as our partners can transmit a cold to us, they can also trigger a cascade of stress hormones and emotions within us. However, just as we are responsible for hydrating, resting, and caring for ourselves when we’re sick, it is also our duty to manage the aftereffects of our triggers. In order to do this, we need to understand the various types of triggers—situational, historical relational, and internal— and how they affect us in different ways.

Beyond Fairy Tales:
A Couple's Guide to Finding Clarity, Doing the Work, and Building a Lasting Relationship
Dr. Mark Gregory Karris

I will stop quoting but the explanations of the difference between the types of triggers is so helpful! Knowing our own story and each other’s stories helps Scott and I to recognize why the other one is triggered. Compassion is a much better response than escalation, but it requires healing and practice.

Let’s return to the Toilet Paper Incident . . .