We Do Therapy: Then Came Marriage

This is Part III of the four-part series, We Do Therapy series (available to paid subscribers). You can access the posts that introduced the series and Part I here. Scott and I are sharing both the struggles and triumphs of two young adults who believed they had found someone who would care for them. Our intent is not to offer marriage advice. We are not licensed therapists. We are survivors who hope that what we share about our journey together will help others to be curious about how trauma might be impacting their marriage. Hopefully far sooner than we did! (Please read note at end of page.)

AI Generated: “We seem to be gathering more baggage!”

We had been married for about fifteen years when we participated in our first marriage retreat sponsored by the church we attended. By this time we had two children and were deeply involved in a conservative church—sometimes self-identified as fundamentalist.

We had many long-time friends who cared for each other’s children in the church nursery and then watched as they grew up. We were at church multiple times each week and served as volunteers and occasionally on staff. It was a good but exhausting life.

After a day of sessions in which biblical principles were applied to the marriage relationship through teaching and couples work, we were given an assignment and sent off to spend the evening together. We went to our room, closed the door, and involuntarily sighed in unison. We were so relieved to be done with the day. We agreed that we would not be completing the homework.

The marriage retreat was about thriving, not digging two people out of the hell that befell them as children. Everyone else seemed to benefit from what we decided was the most awkward day we had ever spent together. We shrugged and moved on. No one was the wiser.

Was the seminar off-base? Probably not. It likely was filled with typical teachings that helped many couples, but we were not typical. That day confused us because we didn’t know anything was wrong with how we were surviving. Church teachings made it clear that we were not doing marriage right.

Scott and I both remember this retreat as being the last thing we needed.