We Do Therapy: Unpack that Baggage!

Therapy Lesson #4: Transforming Codependency with Co-Regulation

In the introductory posts to this weekly, We Do Therapy series (available to paid subscribers). Scott and I shared both the struggles and triumphs of two young adults who believed they had found someone who would care for them. Our intent in the initial posts and this series of Therapy Lessons is not to offer marriage advice. We are not licensed therapists. We are survivors who hope that what we share about our journey together will help others to be curious about how trauma might be impacting their marriage. Hopefully, far sooner than we did! (Please read the statement at the end of this post.)

AI Image: “Give me back my baggage!”

Therapy Lesson #4: Transforming Codependency with Co-Regulation

Ultimately, healing a marriage involves owning one’s own baggage and setting down our partner’s baggage that we have been carrying around. Loving and caring for one another is not the same as lugging each other’s baggage around. It will not take long before there is resentment on both sides.

For each other’s good, Scott and I buried that resentment and helped each other drag baggage around for over 40 years before accessing help. Did we help each other through life? Absolutely! We did it by being codependent. Our therapists know we would not have made it through any other way.

The struggles Scott and I faced were much like a couple arguing over baggage at an airport. Tomorrow we will look more closely at common signs of codependency; today I chose to do some storytelling to illustrate our particular flavor.

Standing by the baggage carousel, I saw a couple wrestling over a large piece of baggage strapped with duct tape. “Don’t touch that baggage, I don’t need help,” the man proclaimed loudly.

“Don’t worry,” the woman said, “I wasn’t going to open the bag. I know you don’t want me to see inside it. I was just helping you get it off the carousel. That has always been my place—to help you carry the overwhelming load of your baggage.”

“I don’t know why you always need to bring up my baggage. I am strong enough to deal with it myself. I don’t need help.”

The man’s body was tense and the woman backed away and began looking for her own baggage which she realized had been hefted on her partner’s shoulders. She shrugged and followed him as he headed for the door. All was as it should be.

Everyone in the airport noted how well he took care of her.

This is a no-win situation. There are so many layers in this scenario and I could probably create a dozen more. Scott wasn’t the problem and I wasn’t the problem—the baggage was the problem. The thing was that no one, including us ever saw the baggage, we just appeared to be doing some kind of dance in the airport of life. What we were doing was unhealthy, but to most who observed it, we seemed rather functional.

“The traditional understanding of codependency means being involved in an unhealthy relationship with an addict of some kind and enabling their addictive behavior.”

“On the other hand, in persons with high functioning codependency, everything looks just fine on the surface. They seem as if they have it all together. They are successful professionals, perfect mothers, partners, and friends. Usually, they are high-achievers – they are working, getting things done, and making it look easy, not recognizing themselves as codependent.” (Source)

Yes, our marriage was functional until I began to voice my resentment of it. Healing moved us from codependence to independence and ultimately will bring us to a healthier place of interdependence. Let’s go back to the baggage carousel to see how this happened/is happening.