We Do Therapy: Who Needs to Heal?

Therapy Lesson #1: Heal Yourself First

In the introductory posts to this weekly, We Do Therapy series (available to paid subscribers). Scott and I shared both the struggles and triumphs of two young adults who believed they had found someone who would care for them. Our intent in the initial posts and this series of Therapy Lessons is not to offer marriage advice. We are not licensed therapists. We are survivors who hope that what we share about our journey together will help others to be curious about how trauma might be impacting their marriage. Hopefully, far sooner than we did! (Please read the statement at the end of this post.)

What baggage are you hauling around?

Therapy Lesson #1: Understand and Heal Yourself First

For those who have been impacted by childhood trauma, there are few chances that the impact won’t show up in the marriage. How that happens is hard to predict with any accuracy. Every story is different.

One framework that therapists use addresses marital interactions through attachment theory or styles. This approach enables couples to recognize how they interact within relationships. Attachment styles develop within the foundational early relationships with a primary caregiver but can also be impacted by personality traits and adverse childhood experiences including abuse or neglect.

The best scenario is for both partners to arrive in a marriage with a secure attachment style! Two people who have this solid foundation are much more likely to be able to build a healthy marriage. This has been confirmed by many research studies. About 50% of the population has a secure attachment style. The rest are divided between three different insecure attachment styles.

How does this apply to the importance of healing yourself first? Because it is impossible to heal together without understanding ourselves first. Understanding why we react the ways we do is an essential part of healing. So we begin with how our earliest attachment relationships are at the core of how we navigate as adults.

Note: Most of my life’s work has revolved around the study of attachment theory and that makes it difficult to summarize for an article. To my delight, ChatGPT provided a summary I could live with! View this additional source for more information.

Secure Attachment (~50% of the population.)

• Characteristics: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They tend to trust others, maintain healthy boundaries, and are capable of both depending on others and being dependable in relationships.

• Childhood Origins: This style develops when a caregiver is consistently responsive, providing comfort, support, and security.

• In Relationships: Secure individuals tend to have healthy, trusting, and long-lasting relationships. They manage conflicts well and communicate effectively.

Of course, it is unlikely that even 50% of marriages would be between two people with secure attachments. There is strong evidence though that individuals gravitate to choosing partners much like their parents—even when this doesn’t seem logical (more information).

No matter how we arrive at our decision there is a 50-50 chance that we will choose someone with an insecure attachment style. I believe this is especially true for those impacted by childhood trauma. This is why it would be beneficial to heal the impact of trauma before marriage, but that seldom happens.

Notice that the first two styles below are more about the responsive nurturing of the parent—something that isn’t always considered. The third style is most often the result of trauma. It is important to consider how the interactions of these styles within a marriage will have varying impacts.

Insecure Anxious Attachment (About 20% of the population)

• Characteristics: People with this attachment style often crave closeness but are insecure about whether their partners will reciprocate their affection. They tend to be overly dependent and worry about being abandoned or not being loved back.

• Childhood Origins: This style can develop when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes responsive and nurturing, but at other times distant or unavailable.

• In Relationships: These individuals may experience anxiety, clinginess, and a constant need for reassurance. Their relationships may be characterized by emotional highs and lows.

Insecure Avoidant Attachment (About 25% of the population)

• Characteristics: Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant style tend to distance themselves emotionally from others. They value independence and self-sufficiency, often avoiding emotional intimacy or connection.

• Childhood Origins: This attachment style can develop if caregivers were emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, causing the child to learn self-reliance and avoid vulnerability.

• In Relationships: They may struggle with intimacy, avoid dependency, and tend to suppress or ignore their feelings. They may appear detached or emotionally distant from their partners.

Insecure Disorganized Attachment (About 3-5% of the population)

• Characteristics: This style is marked by a fear of intimacy, coupled with a desire for close relationships. Individuals with this attachment style often feel confused or torn between wanting connection and fearing rejection or hurt.

• Childhood Origins: This style often develops in response to trauma or inconsistent caregiving, particularly in situations where the caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear (e.g., in cases of abuse).

• In Relationships: Fearful-avoidant individuals may experience unstable, turbulent relationships. They can vacillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away due to their fear of emotional pain.

ChatGPT Conclusion

“Each attachment style affects how individuals perceive and engage in relationships, impacting emotional bonds, trust, and conflict resolution. While attachment styles can be persistent, they are not fixed and can evolve with self-awareness, therapy, and healthy relationships.”

Recognizing these styles most often requires individuals to be honest about the home in which they grew up. Couples need to be honest with one another about their families of origin before and after the marriage. This did not occur for Scott and I for several reasons: