Why Is It So Hard To Tell Our Stories?

#10 in the series: What I Wish I had Known Before Beginning Therapy

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

One of the most important steps in healing is to tell your story in safe spaces. This is part of what will take place in therapy—and it is not easy! Journalling or writing your story is almost always suggested. I was one who had little problem doing this—but after many conversations, I believe it is rare!

This past week, two people told me they wanted to write their story but couldn’t. They said that anytime they tried to write, they got stuck. While I believe this is normal at some point for anyone who begins writing, it is particularly true for trauma survivors.

When I began to share my story in therapy some of the memories emerged slowly while some of my sharing can only be described as word vomit. This was true verbally and in writing but at some point, I thought, “What do I do with all this? Do I write a book and tell the world my story?”

The primary question is “Why do you want to tell your story?” All of the following are five reasons why I chose to write and publish my story. They are all valid!

1. Writing my story allows me to find my voice again.

2. Writing my story enabled me to break free of the mask I wore while hiding.

3. Writing my story helped me process and build a coherent narrative.

4. Writing my story provided an avenue to begin walking alongside others.

5. Writing my story provided an opportunity to share information on what helped me in the healing process.

I did not originally set out to publish. Sometimes people get stuck because they don’t separate the writing from the publishing. Writing your story is valuable even if you are the only person to ever see it!

Why Can’t I Write?

What if you can’t begin writing even knowing that you do not ever need to share it publicly? When this happens, it is almost always a trauma response.

I have found the work of Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. (Internal Family Systems) to be the most helpful explanation for how trauma can inhibit writing—specifically his thoughts around exiles and protectors. The exile is a wounded child part who suffered abuse. The protector’s job is—as the name implies—to keep that wounded child safe. For most survivors of childhood trauma, that means keeping the wounded child from telling what happened. There is a whole list of strategies my protector used to keep me from telling my story! This was true when writing and during therapy.

• Doubt: It didn’t really happen or you don’t remember it correctly

• Shame: It happened because there is something horribly wrong with you and you don’t want anyone to know that.

• Trust: If you tell your story, someone will use it against you.

• Unworthiness: No one really cares about your story, you aren’t that important.

• Imposter Syndrome: You are not even qualified to help others.

• Memories: Think about when you tried to tell before and it didn’t go well.

There is one more that requires a bit more explanation. “If you talk it is only going to make you keep reliving what happened.” Writing your story can cause memories to surface in the form of flashbacks. When this occurs you aren’t just thinking about the memory, you are living it again. I highly suggest that you access trauma-based therapy before or while attempting to write your story. Everything written in my first three books was first processed with EMDR therapy to remove the power from the memory. This enabled me to remain in the present while writing.

The protector is not your adversary! If the list above looks familiar then your protecter has done an excellent job! As a child, protectors are essential for survival. They are simply no longer useful because you are now able to take care of yourself. They don’t realize you can take care of yourself and are still working hard to protect you—by keeping you from telling your story. Thank your protector for a job well done and then ask them to help you discern what you should and should not tell publicly.

Note: If there is a risk that an abuser is continuing to abuse others or potentially could, that changes everything and it is important to tell authorities in a manner which prioritizes your safety.

What Should I Tell?

This brings me to the final point—you don’t need to tell everything. I certainly do not do so even though it may sometimes seem like I do. It is very normal to over-share while healing and I try my best to reserve that for my first drafts—that no one will read— or the therapy room, my spouse, or a few very close friends. Not everyone has earned the trust or needs to know all the story. Choosing not to tell isn’t the same as being silenced.

Let’s say you have broken though the barriers and written your story. Now you must decide what to do with it. There are valid reasons not to publish.

The first reason falls under the category of “They are still alive.” The “they” can include parents or family members, abusers, church leaders, or other people who were significant in your story. Sometimes those who still live pose a threat and it is a wise choice not to publicly tell your story. (The aspect of church silencing has been explored more fully in several Religious Trauma newsletters.)

The second reason involves “telling the story would harm innocent people.” This reason resulted in much soul-searching as I made choices about what I did and did not say.

When talking or writing for those who are in the process of healing their own stories be cautious about sharing graphic details. It is helpful to connect with and support other trauma survivors but use discretion! While it is impossible to avoid all triggers, content that dysregulates will make a book inaccessible.

The third reason involves considering the future you want to create. The future I created has been unexpected, but understanding what I now know about the vast number of people who are seeking support in their healing process, what happened isn’t all that surprising.

I embrace my life and also long for it to be more simple. It is a both/and situation! Telling your story comes with a level of vulnerability and responsibility that is important to consider. It is perfectly OK to heal and enjoy your life without living “on mission” every day (I say to myself).

Resources:

Strategies for Writing about Personal Trauma (Berry Powell Press: Real Authors in Real Time) Listen here

Also see blogs on this topic:
Brave: What I Chose to Tell
Writing My Own Ending to My Story

Note: All information and resources presented in these newsletters are drawn from my personal story and do not replace professional psychological care for mental health issues. My legal and ethical advice is always to seek professional help.