You Don't Need Permission!
Possibly a Series on Helpful Things Therapists Say
My Tuesday posts are specifically written for Brave Survivors. Right now, unless someone has managed to hide under a blanket—maybe a weighted one—it is impossible to talk about navigating life and healing without addressing the political climate—something I try to avoid in Tuesday posts. This post is not directly political, but in case it feels that way I hope that what I say here is helpful and doesn’t merely add a layer of stress! It helped me to write it, so I am hopeful it might be helpful to others.
Last week was an interesting and somewhat mind-bending week. Not just politically—which is not the main intent of this post—but personally. As I considered various things my therapist(s) said to me that might help navigate the week, I asked ChatGPT for a list of what therapists say about truth and settled on the following:
"You don’t need permission to believe in your truth." – You are the expert on your own life, and you don’t need validation from others to trust yourself.
There is no way to fully explain how difficult it is sometimes for survivors to believe their own stories. Not trusting our own stories, memories, or perceptions is a hallmark of trauma. This is in part because traumatic events fragment memories, but also because we were often not believed when we did try to tell what happened to us.
“That didn’t happen.”
“He would never have done that.”
“You are not remembering the events correctly.”
That last one is a bit tricky because no, we may not remember details correctly, but we do know something happened. This was true for me even when I had no conscious memory of the event. When I was able to access the memory—with the help of EMDR—I always sensed that I already knew that it happened. I call this the unknowing knowing of trauma. I didn’t doubt the truth while sitting on the therapist’s couch but after a few days, I often began to doubt myself. Since, doubting my own story was one way my subconscious had protected me for a lifetime, this protective strategy didn’t just vanish.
Doubt is dysregulating and the need for certainty is protective. For me, nothing was worse than the shame of being wrong. I had to do a lot of processing around that! Realizing the story I told about my life since I was a young adult wasn’t the full truth was unsettling. Then realizing that how I first remembered traumatic events left much of the truth out was equally uncomfortable. Accepting that my truth was true even if I didn’t ever have a play-by-play script that included every detail of the traumatic event took some doing. Then allowing myself to gain new perspectives about what happened was essential to healing but frightening.
How can a survivor be certain of their truth? I asked ChatGPT what therapists say about truth and chose the following five statements from a very long list:
"Your truth is valid, even if others see it differently." – Everyone experiences life through their own lens, and your feelings and perceptions matter.
"The truth can be painful, but avoiding it can be even more harmful." – Facing reality, even when it’s difficult, is often necessary for healing and growth.
"Sometimes, the truth is complicated." – Life isn’t always black and white; two seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time.
"Truth and perspective are not the same thing." – Your perspective is shaped by your experiences, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only truth.
"Just because something feels true doesn’t mean it is." – Anxiety, fear, and self-doubt can create distorted thoughts that feel real but aren’t necessarily factual.
I really dislike #4 and #5 but they are important.
After all my work to believe the truth of my own story, those statements felt like a betrayal! Then I remembered that the growth that results from trauma-based healing is meant to help us live with uncertainty while at the same time believing what our younger selves who were harmed tell us. This is very challenging!
This challenge was the backdrop for my mind-bending week. In one situation, I was told not to trust what I saw with my own eyes. In another, I received information that confirmed what I believed was true about another situation earlier in my adult life.
There was a common thread in all of this: The pressure to believe what I knew was not true.
I reflected on this question: Why was it so important to those involved in these two different situations for me to agree with their truth? A broader question requires me to ask why it is important for others to believe my truth. I can answer that one. It is a battle that doubts wage with certainty.
Note: The following paragraph does not apply to abuse!
The silos we live in help us to feel safe and comfortable because everyone generally agrees on one version of truth. Searching for the truth requires us to accept cognitive dissonance because even those people with whom we completely disagree believe their truth and there may be some wisdom we can gain in how they perceive what we are seeing so differently. It is so easy to become so tied to our truth that it seems dangerous to listen to another person’s version.
Listening to others does not mean we must accept or agree with their version of the truth!
It is difficult for survivors when their truth is questioned. Doubt can get wound up with not being believed as children (or later). When this happens to me, I can find myself trying to convince others of something that I know without question. Yes, some things can be known without doubt. See that? I just tried to explain my statement in case someone doubted it.
Convincing others of the truth of my story is embedded in me and if I am not careful this need to convince seeps into areas that I might not be completely certain about. And sometimes I find out I am wrong. *Gasp* My husband and I joke that he can count the number of times I have admitted to being wrong on two hands. That isn’t many in 45 years. But then he adds, “The thing is, you really aren’t wrong very often.” I don’t know if that is true but it is kind.
Last week, I found out I was right about something that I have doubted for the past fifteen years. Finding out I was right about something I doubted happens to me often. I wish it didn’t because it is crushing to find out how intentional the harm to me actually was. It reminds me not to doubt myself while also not being tied to something I cannot prove. Currently, there is so much in our world that has been lost in a web of untruths. How do we even navigate it all?
I created a list of principles to abide by when considering my truth and the truth or untruth around me. These will probably morph over time, but for now, they will be helpful. The first one circles back to where I began this rather rambling post.
I do not need permission to believe my truth. That also means I do not need to spend time convincing others. People are going to believe what they are going to believe.
It is important to listen to what others believe is true EXCEPT when their goal is to impose their truth on me. This is particularly true when my character (or faith) is questioned if I do not accept what they believe to be true. At that moment, I must walk away.
Truth struggles to reside in the narratives of the most powerful. Not that it can’t, but when it does show up it is with a quiet strength that is always most interested in helping the least powerful or the marginalized. Truth and love walk together with strength and dignity. This is my litmus test for seeking truth in all the chaos around me.
I must be cautious not to consider myself morally or intellectually superior because of my perception of truth. This doesn’t mean I should not call out the actions of those who believe in a version of truth that harms others. No form of truth justifies aggression toward those with less power. Speaking the truth to power is not something that requires justification.
I must remember that there is a vast difference between those who create or spread untruths for their advantage and those who believe the untruths. At times, this has described me. It took courage to admit believing something that was not true. Others knowingly accept untruths because they serve a greater good. I have been in work or church situations where it was not safe to disagree. In all cases, it is important not to judge others by placing everyone in the same category.
My list helps me to step back from overreacting when others believe something that I do not believe to be true. Overreacting is protective and has fear underneath the anger. Not that there isn’t a time to speak (or even be angry), but measured responses that come from a position of inner strength that knows what I will and will not accept in the midst of public discourse is a far better path.
We need the wisdom to discern between truth and untruth. This world is messy, and we may not always get everything right, but being wrong is not as damaging if we are willing to admit it. Doubling down on something we are beginning to honestly doubt as a result of new information is not helpful. In turn, being wrong can easily expand to doubting the truth of our story. We need to keep the two things separate. This is especially true in a world that seems bent on forcing us to distrust our truth.
Again, I do not need permission to believe my truth.