Healing Doesn't Always Feel that Great
#6 in the series: What I wish I had Known Before Beginning Therapy
That is a horrible title. How does saying that encourage anyone to seek healing from the impact of trauma? In other places, I say many encouraging things, but in this newsletter, I explain what I wish I had known about how healing would feel before beginning therapy.
What I didn’t know when I began therapy was how important it would be for healing to not always feel great. The “not-so-great feelings” were a sign of healing. Why? Because I was finally feeling what I had avoided for a very long time.
What is that not-so-great feeling? Dysregulation. It is when our amygdala alerts us that something is occurring that is dangerous. The rush of stress hormones that flood us is crucial when there is a bear in front of us, not so much when something simply reminds us of when a bear was in front of us. It can be absolutely anything (for example, smells, objects, words and sounds, etc.) We call them triggers because they cause the amygdala to set off a physical, chemical reaction in our body.
If therapy had been what I thought it was going to be—a conversation in which I received advice—that would have felt great. No, I instead was assisted in processing my triggers and the memories that caused them. That meant that I would need to face the bear that was no longer there.
Several years ago, I wrote a blog titled What Does Healing Feel Like? I would probably say it a bit differently now—specifically not saying “healed” as if there is an ending to healing—but you may find the blog helpful. It includes the following description of a processed memory:
What does a processed memory feel like? “Oh, there’s that trigger again. I know what caused it. I am not a helpless child any longer. I am not in danger right now. I can have compassion for my inner child who was too little to care for herself. I can be proud of how she learned to survive but choose new ways to care for her and calm myself so the trigger will no longer control me.”
The number of triggers I can now process like this is truly remarkable. Some that once took significant time now only require a nod of recognition. In an interview last week, the interviewer said she hoped her questions would not be triggering. With my story, that is impossible, but I explained that I no longer dread triggers because they are clues to memories that still need processing. And sure enough, I found one!
What I did not understand was that being curious about my triggers and the very uncomfortable work of processing would be the path to healing. Various types/modalities of therapy address this process in different ways. In the blog mentioned earlier, I suggest EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). EMDR was the primary modality used in my therapy, but there are many more that I will explain in the future newsletters.
Researchers and therapists are working on methods for processing memories that do not result in extreme discomfort that doesn’t feel so great. That would be amazing! And, at the same time, I am glad that I was able to fully understand the emotional distress of my younger self that suffered so greatly. I deeply felt the big emotions of children and why they result in “unacceptable behaviors.” This is especially true when trauma has occurred. My therapist worked hard to co-regulate and prevent this process from re-traumatizing me. Thus the importance of a therapist being a good fit.
This week I received several messages from friends who are pursuing healing through therapy. One in particular had a family member tell her, “Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing.” Yes, you can heal and if you need a bit of encouragement Carrie Newcomer has a perfect song for you: You Can Do This Hard Thing.
Note: All information and resources presented in these newsletters are drawn from my personal story and do not replace professional psychological care for mental health issues. My legal and ethical advice is always to seek professional help.