While reading an email, I was reminded again of the number of people who were becoming aware of their need to heal from the trauma they experienced during childhood (or beyond). The question she asked often appeared in my inbox: “How do I go about finding a therapist?”
I created the following page on my website to answer that question: Finding a Therapist
You can read much of what I wish I had understood about finding a therapist on that page, along with resources. The first point I make is this: “There is such a thing as a good fit in therapy. You are allowed to choose the type of therapy you desire.” I will eventually highlight different types of therapy, but this newsletter is about what creates a good fit and why it is important.
Finding a therapist who is a good fit involves several things and a good fit for one person may not work for another. At a surface level, it can simply be personality. Part of my job as a faculty member was to help students enroll in classes. One student would request to be in the class with “the best professor ever.” Another would say, “I never want to be in that professor’s class ever again.” It was the same professor. Sometimes it is just a matter of personality.
Personality matching is a surface-level issue, but it is important because your therapist will need to act as a co-regulator as you process. (Co-regulation was discussed in a previous newsletter.) Healing requires you to feel seen, heard, and safe. For all the skills a therapist might have, the ability to build trust and relationships is essential, especially for those who have suffered from relational trauma.
Possibly the therapist is a safe person with the ability to co-regulate but your capacity to trust is limited by the trauma you experienced. It usually requires a few sessions to build trust to the point that you understand the problem is your trauma background and not the therapist's capacity to be trusted. Don’t be too hasty in your decision to look elsewhere, unless of course, something occurs that seems unethical.
What exactly does a therapist who is a good fit do? My concept of therapy was incredibly limited when I walked into a therapist’s office for the first time. I thought I would be talking to someone about problems I was facing and asking for advice on important decisions I needed to make.
Where I began was a safe place to start. I wasn’t ready to talk about the real problems yet—in fact, I wasn’t completely clear about what they were. You start with what you feel safe saying. That is how you begin to determine if trust is possible.
Once I determined that I did trust the therapist, it would have been helpful if I had understood that some of the things that frustrated or dysregulated me in therapy were because the therapist was doing such a great job at being a therapist.
#1: I wish I had understood how important it would be for my therapist to not give me advice. Yes, there was guidance in the healing process, but after living my life based on what I believed others wanted me to be or do, advice was the very last thing I needed.
#2: I wish I would have understood more about shame. My dysregulation during therapy was almost always caused by the shame I had carried around for a lifetime. Shame is believing there is something horribly wrong with us (more on this in a future newsletter). I was drowning in it and needed a therapist who could co-regulate with me as the shame I buried for a lifetime began to surface.
#3: I wish I had known the importance of the questions I would be asked. Also, that the question that caused me to be defensive and sometimes angry were the exact ones I needed. The power of a well-placed question is remarkably healing if you can get beyond your initial reaction and reflect on it.
#4: I wish I had understood boundaries. I had lived without being able to set boundaries and did not know how to set them. I was also not very appreciative when they were demonstrated. Yet, my observations of what it means to set healthy boundaries were exactly what I needed to learn to set them for myself.
In all of these situations, I watched myself react with emotions I had controlled, ignored and suppressed for a lifetime. They surprised me but were accepted by my therapist. Therapy is the place to be messy. I wish I had understood that! There are so few places where it is OK to be messy. The freedom to be messy is what a good fit is all about!
Note: All information and resources presented in these newsletters are drawn from my personal story and do not replace professional psychological care for mental health issues. My legal and ethical advice is always to seek professional help.