Great things to ponder. It is so hard to remove the judgement, yet compassion without judgement has been the most healing thing for me.
How do you do it for the people who have harmed you?
I have spent far too long trying to understand them- they have much of their own trauma and I do understand what shaped them. Yet I still get so angry at them and want to fix them, despite knowing that I can’t.
It is hard to have both compassion and want justice and them to stop hurting others at the same time.
I think this is THE most difficult part about all this. I saw this comment and have been reflecting on it before answering. Maybe I should do a piece on what I thought could be called accountable trauma-informed compassion. What would accountability look like in situations that defy any hope of change or fixing? Watch for my thoughts on Saturday!
I am coming to a place where I wonder if there needs to be a separation of the two: the person who has been hurt needs justice and consequences and for it to be said that this wasn’t ok. They can still try to get to a place of understanding. But the person who has done wrong needs a separate place/person who gives them that judgement-free compassion so they can face their trauma and heal. For the one who has been harmed, to try and do that would just be re- traumatising.
The reality of their lack of change is so challenging and the thing I keep getting stuck on. I haven’t figured out how to move forward with them.
This is one thing that comes into play with adoptive parenting... assumption is that the child comes from a situation where their parent had to make this choice, now it's my job to change the trajectory of their lives since they're no longer in that situation. Two negative assumptions - that they need fixed, that I have the power to do it - causes a child to feel less than because they come from a specific situation rather than embracing all of who they are in order to find the healthy way forward. This has challenged me in the area of compassion more than I would like to admit (in other words, I was the one with the fixing mentality thinking I was doing them a favor) but in fact, the children taught me more about compassion and not judging stuff you don't know anything about more than I deserve.
Great things to ponder. It is so hard to remove the judgement, yet compassion without judgement has been the most healing thing for me.
How do you do it for the people who have harmed you?
I have spent far too long trying to understand them- they have much of their own trauma and I do understand what shaped them. Yet I still get so angry at them and want to fix them, despite knowing that I can’t.
It is hard to have both compassion and want justice and them to stop hurting others at the same time.
I think this is THE most difficult part about all this. I saw this comment and have been reflecting on it before answering. Maybe I should do a piece on what I thought could be called accountable trauma-informed compassion. What would accountability look like in situations that defy any hope of change or fixing? Watch for my thoughts on Saturday!
Please! I look forward to your insights.
I am coming to a place where I wonder if there needs to be a separation of the two: the person who has been hurt needs justice and consequences and for it to be said that this wasn’t ok. They can still try to get to a place of understanding. But the person who has done wrong needs a separate place/person who gives them that judgement-free compassion so they can face their trauma and heal. For the one who has been harmed, to try and do that would just be re- traumatising.
The reality of their lack of change is so challenging and the thing I keep getting stuck on. I haven’t figured out how to move forward with them.
It’s hard when they won’t get help for their own trauma.
See my response to Adriana!
This is one thing that comes into play with adoptive parenting... assumption is that the child comes from a situation where their parent had to make this choice, now it's my job to change the trajectory of their lives since they're no longer in that situation. Two negative assumptions - that they need fixed, that I have the power to do it - causes a child to feel less than because they come from a specific situation rather than embracing all of who they are in order to find the healthy way forward. This has challenged me in the area of compassion more than I would like to admit (in other words, I was the one with the fixing mentality thinking I was doing them a favor) but in fact, the children taught me more about compassion and not judging stuff you don't know anything about more than I deserve.
Yes, it transforms us when we understand the impact of trauma!
Excellent!